Coroner’s Report: Someone’s Knocking at the Door

Coroner's ReportI’m not certain how I heard of Someone’s Knocking at the Door and I’m quite sure I never put it at number one in my Netflix queue.  Strange then, that it showed up at my door just the other day in a timely fashion for me to review it for this column before heading off to Comic-Con.

SKATD is a strange, strange, strange film. Not for the weak of heart or of stomach, the film is drug fueled and based around the premise, kinda, of a pair of sexual partner killers who murder by using their genitals.  Yes, the film is about being raped to death. How is one raped to death, you might be asking?  Apparently the answer revolved around having a vagina capable of swallowing a human head or a dong the size of my leg. As you might now be thinking, I must warn you: this review is graphic.


We see about seven deaths in the film, though because of a tweeeest the actual number is a bit different.


My notes on this were a mess. I wasn’t sure whether things qualified as “ills” or “lust” entries. Basically, there is a lot man on man rape. We’re told, and later see, that the rapist in question has a 15 inch long c*ck, which he uses to f-ck his victims to death, via the mouth or ass.  His partner in crime is a woman with a gaping vagina, capable of containing a human head and suffocating it. Beyond that, we get a few gun shots and a drug overdose. But mostly we get violent rapings. Like the kind of violent rape that involves a d*ck going in your ass and bursting out through your stomach Alien style.


We do see a couple pairs of breasts, one set is not great, the other is pretty good. The chick with the decent set bares her breasts while wearing a strap on and ramming an Asian dude in the butt.  We see a couple of wangs, both real ones and gigantic mutated ones capable of screwing your jaw off. Which it does.


Don’t do drugs and don’t let a 15 inch long, 8 inch WIDE d*ck anywhere near an orifice.


Man. Where to begin? If you just read my little categories up there, this probably sounds like an awesome good time. But it’s not, really. The film is a brisk hour and fifteen minutes or so, but about half of that is pretty boring. The story follows some medical students who aren’t risk averse and like to partake in drugs, especially the experimental kind that can wreck your mind and make you think about fifteen inch long dongers.

The drug infusion aspect of the script leads to strange sounds, strange cuts, strange transformations, and basically a lot of strangeness. Oddly, with all the strange, there is a fair bit of almost normal in the middle of the film that drags on and on.  SKATD starts with a bang – an ass bang, as a guy goes from boning a check to getting his cornhole torn open by the massive d*cked dude.

I can’t really say that this is a good film, but it is definitely an insane flick that horror junkies should check out. When the film goes balls out, it really goes balls out – like to the speed of a gigantic fat man with a baby for a dick (not literally, but almost) who chases a girl down a hallway. All moments after the fat man himself had his jaw literally f*cked open by a giant penis.  You need to see this to believe it.

If the entire 80 minutes or so went balls out like this, I think it’d be worth watching just for how outrageous it can be.  But as is, all the stuff that doesn’t involve vaginal stuffing or monster c()ck rape is kind of boring. That said, most of the acting is good and there is some nice music involved, but not enough to erase the boredom I felt in the middle of the film.

While you probably won’t love this film, if anything I said has piqued your interest (just admit it, it has) you just need to watch this film to believe it.  It’s 50% the crazies sh*t you’ve ever seen on film and 50% regular, kind of boring low budget horror stuff. But still. Man. You’ve got to see it to understand how crazy it is. I wish it would have been crazier all throughout. Then it would be a damn masterpiece.

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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