The Coroner's Report

Any horror fan knows that budget does not always translate into success. There have been massively budgeted horror movies (massive in our world is $30 million) that blew donkey balls and tiny labors of love ($50,000) that kicked ass. As such, I frequently make sure to dip into low budget horror and see how things are going, looking for that brilliant little gem. That brought me to Murder Loves Killers Too which reminded me that sometimes studios aren’t willing to spend money on certain scripts because they’re just no good.

I’d like to describe MLKT in a way that makes sense, but that would be pretending that the film was coherent. There is a plot, it just really doesn’t make for anything interesting. It begins with a long, long, long shot with a voice over. Then a car drives by. Apparently all those kids are murdered.  Cut to today and some more kids head up to a cabin. Most are mundanely murdered by a silent, half-retarded killer. One is kept as a sex toy (sort of) before the killer opens up to her. Then takes her home and leaves her in the trunk. The killer’s home life is briefly examined. Then the movie, pretty much, ends.

Kills

There are five on-screen deaths, only one of which is of any interest.

Ills

A couple of people are hit by hammers, a meat hook is stuck into a neck, a tiny little drill is stuck in someones gut. There are plenty of stabbings to the gut, one to an open mouth, and someone gets their intestines pulled out. Later someone gets their tongue pulled out and then chokes on it. If any of this sounds cool, don’t get confused – it’s not.

Lust

The hot girl runs around in her thong underwear a bit and we see her boobs for a decent amount of time. She also has a tattoo above her ass that says “enter here” but I think it disappears later. I couldn’t really care to go back and check and let’s be honest, how uninterested am I in this movie that I can’t be bothered to check out a cute blonde in a thong to confirm or deny this accusation?

Learning

Don’t go into the woods if you’re under 30. Or, don’t be the kind of guy who can look at a 35 year old, chunky bald man in a birthday hat and think it’s your 23 year old, thin friend with a full head of hair.

Review

By now you’ve deduced my feelings on the film. It’s not good. The opening narrative is kind of cool for the first 15 seconds, but as it stretches towards 2 minutes with nothing happening (literally) on screen, it gets old rather quickly. We then cut to a good four or five minutes of teens in a car who are really excited. We get the standard mix – two couples comprised of a normal guy and girl, a douchebag guy, and a slutty girl. We also get a nerdy girl who is solo.

Completely in character, the nerdy girl actually turns out to be the one who brought six bottles of liquor to the party and mixes up some Four-Horsemen drinks – that is, a mixture of four liquors in the same glass. Guess she’s not that nerdy.

The killer looks like John Carroll Lynch, though less intimidating if you can believe that. He is silent most of the time, but then in a totally avant garde fashion he opens up and calmly explains his purpose the final girl. This is where you first really roll your eyes and then settle in for 30 minutes of lame chasing and hiding.

I can’t be bothered to write any more on this flick. I really wanted to like it. The special effects were lacking, the kills were uninspired, and the story was abysmal when it tried to do something creative.

On the ‘bright side,’ the soundtrack was actually pretty awesome for the first half-hour and the camera shots and editing were pretty good early on. Once most of the kids were dead however, any fun and competency left the project. It’s worth noting that the tagline of the film is “Murder is his sex,” though the film doesn’t have much murder or sex. There is some cool art for this out there and I did appreciate the boobs, but I couldn’t be bribed into recommending you see this film. Skip it.


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