Coroner’s Report: Lesbian Vampire Killers

Now if you’re walking up and down the aisles at your local video store looking for Lesbian Vampire Killers, you’ll have better luck checking out the V section.  For some reason here in Puritanical America, the film has been rebranded as just Vampire Killers, but have no fear friends, it is still chock full of Lesbians.

The flick follows a couple of likable blokes, the fat and funny Fletch and the recently singled straight man Jimmy.  While on a strange holiday to a small town, the duo suddenly finds themselves surrounded by a bevy of beautiful ladies who rather quickly discover the joys of vampirism and the dangers of lesbianism.  Or maybe that’s reversed.  Either way, soon Jimmy’s ancestry is revealed and the slaying of hot young ladies begins.


There are about ten kills in this flick, mostly of chick vampires.  A few dudes find themselves on the wrong end of a stabbing as well, though when all is said and done, some of the unlucky souls have the rather fortunate turn of coming back to life all better.


A head gets chopped, there are plenty of bites, the requisite number of stakes through hearts,a head is knocked in half, some axe injuries, a stabbing, that sort of stuff.


For a film about Lesbian Vampires, I was hoping for soft-core porn levels of boobs and that didn’t materialize.  We do see a couple of pairs of boobs, some lesbian kissing, plenty of hot chicks, a panty shot, and some sexy slow motion lesbo french kissing.  While it wasn’t all I hoped for, it was still pretty damn hot.


I’m sure there was some lesson to be learned but basically I just confirmed to myself for the billionth time that I really love watching hot chicks.


As a British import, this film obviously draws comparisons to Shaun of the Dead for its horror-comedy ways, though the zombie-rom-com is a better flick by far.  That’s not to say LVK is void of entertainment.  There are plenty of laughs and a few good gore moments, but the film does drag here and there.  The most disappointing part of the film is the failure to deliver on the sex and nudity promised by the title.

If you’re in the moon for some pretty girls, mostly clothed, and some good laughs, then Lesbian Vampire Killers is worth your time and Netflix mailing.  No ground is broken, no rules rewritten, but what did we expect?  The fat guy is funny in his quest for poon and the straight man accomplishes his job of being dorky.  There is a good surprise death later on good for some laughs.  There’s not much more to say on this one really – it’s fun, but not outstanding.

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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