The Coroner's Report - Large

By now, you should probably have realized that we will never reach the final destination, since we’re already a destination past that with more on the way. Likewise, you should probably have a pretty good handle on how these things happen. A kid gets a vision of a totally awesome and very lethal disaster, which prompts him and several others to leave the danger zone, abandoning hundreds of others to die. Death, not liking the idea of being cheated, then kills all of the survivors through an elaborate series of accidents. And for the most part, it’s all good.

So recognizing all that, for the fifth installment of the franchise you can just plug in all the new names and faces with the scenario suspension bridge collapse. While there isn’t much new, Final Destination 5 manages to be an entertaining entry in the series, providing plenty of gruesome kills – in three dimensions!! OOoOoOoOoOoooOOOooOoOOOo


The Final Destination franchise is well known for massive body counts and for showing most of them twice. This is no exception. One would assume the bridge collapse kills several hundred people and we see at least 8 specific deaths. Throughout the rest of the film there are at least 10 individual deaths. Conservatively you’d have to put the overall death total somewhere near 400, though that includes disaster.


Here is where the film really delivered for me – gruesome kills. There are several impalements, some delicious rebar through the face, bodies are cut in half, heads are smashed, people are crushed, eyeballs are popped and squished, guts and limbs go flying, a wrench gets embedded in someone’s face, and there are gun shots and a rotisserie spiking. All of that pales to my personal favorite death though – gymnastics accident. BOOM. STUCK THE LANDING.


A big, fat, disappointing zero. Seriously, film, what the efffff?


You can’t escape death. Duh.


It’s not a great movie, in fact, as a film, it’s probably like a C-level average, but once you factor in the gore and the amazing opening credits sequence, it gets a significant bump. The ending was also a clever and satisfying surprise. You see it coming maybe two minutes in advance, but it still tastes just as sweet.

If there is one thing this movie, and the franchise as a whole, have really gotten a handle on, it’s false foreshadowing. We all know someone is about to die, the only question is – how? Director Steven Quale does an effective job of building tension right before the deaths, especially in the gymnastics sequence. There are, as SpikeTV says, a thousand ways to die, and in some of these scenarios, you can identify all one thousand. Every loose bolt, exposed wire, or creaking piece of lattice could strike the fatal blow. Once death has reared its head, you’re on edge. Trying to out-guess him. Sometimes you do, often you don’t and it’s splattertastic.

For those of you looking for something smart or new, look elsewhere. For those of you that have fun with the Final Destination movies, gear up and give this one a shot. It’s definitely not the worst installment, and based on a pure fun level, it’s probably second or third.

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