Coroner’s Report: Farmhouse

Farmhouse is one of those titles you hear about or maybe catch a glimpse of in a magazine and then it manages to slip away from you, lost forever.  Then some guy like me randomly thinks about it again, tracks it down, and here we are.  Turns out it was a pretty good idea tracking this film down as it’s actually pretty good.

Plot wise we’re not breaking any ground – a husband and wife with some emotional hang-ups have a bit of car trouble in the middle of nowhere and wind up spending the night at a nearby farmhouse.  Said farmhouse is part of a delightful vineyard managed by a regular seeming guy (Steven Weber), a deaf farmhand, and an improbably hot Asian wife (Kelly Hu).


While they play a little fast and loose with the definition of dead, six people aren’t exactly alive when it’s over.


Not an overwhelming amount of gore, but when it happens it’s pretty sweet.  There is a mallet to the head, some water torture, burns, a drowning.  An eye is cut out, a slit is throat, and some sharp objects are shoved into soft body parts.  The highlight is probably the creative use of a cheese grater.


Kelly Hu is unbelievably hot.  There is a sex scene involving her, but you don’t really see anything.


There’s an obvious moral message, but in any case, never trust anyone in a rural farmhouse.


As I mentioned in the preamble, Farmhouse is a pretty good flick.  There are a handful of twists and turns in the movie, some of which you’ll see coming and at least one I don’t think you will.  Towards the end, one of the twists had me ready to drop the grade of the flick a whole letter, but then suddenly a gigantic pair of testicles descended from the heavens.  Not literally.  But the ending of this film was pretty ballsy and unpredictable.  It’s a twist on something we’ve seen before, but I bought into it and that sealed the deal for me.

Even if you don’t love the ending, up until that point the flick is a solid thrill ride with a few moments of great gore.  The acting from the two leads isn’t groundbreaking and borders on iffy here and there, but Steven Weber is excellent and Kelly Hu is capable and gorgeous.  The real star though is Weber – anytime he’s on screen, he owns it, dwarfing those around him.

The film isn’t perfect and there are some implausible moments that, once you get to the end, suddenly seem a bit more plausible.  You’ve seen this film before, undoubtedly, but that doesn’t make this particular entry worth ignoring.  If for nothing more than Kelly Hu being Kelly Hu and Steven Weber giving a chilling performance, this film is worth a look.  I’m also a big fan of movies that lay it all on the line at the climax and this film definitely has the cajones to be a bit different.  I say check it out if you get the chance.

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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