The Coroner\'s Report

What is horror? Its a simple question, but a tough one. The Exorcist is horror, but do you breathe it in the same breath as Friday the 13th Part VIII? I find that if a movie has some frightening element, or some blood, or would generally appeal to a horror element, then its fair game. Doomsday might not be a “horror” film, but it is directed by one of horror’s hottest up and comers, Neil Marshall, and it deals with a terrifying disease and an Apocalyptic scenario. Counts to me. All that said, I wasn’t going to review Doomsday on DVD for the Coroner’s Report, I was just going to watch it for fun. But twelve minutes in more than a dozen people had been killed rather brutally and the movie flipped the switch fully over to “Fun” and I was in it to win it.

Doomsday is what happens with the “Reaper virus” tears through Scotland, killing millions. The disease is so virulent that England quarantines the entire country and leaves them for dead. The survivors split into warring camps and descend into anarchy and madness. When the virus threatens London, the decision is made to go in search of a cure on the other side of the wall and the dangerous and super sexy Rhona Mitra is sent to whip ass and cut off heads.

KillsDoomsday Poster

This is what made me bring this to all you horror fans. I figure a lot of you have my same sensibilities and love seeing heads roll, explode, and get smashed. This movie delivers. Like I mentioned, in the first 12 minutes there are a dozen kills, including like 3 head wounds. Bullets fly constantly and savage handmade weapons come into play, as well swords and spears. The body count probably beat out 100 and that’s in direct, on-screen, see them go down kills. Millions die of the virus and we see several thousand infected. A lot of people die in this film.

Ills

And when they die, man do they die well. We get gunshots to the head, chopped off hands, chopped off heads, exploded bodies, people get run over, hit by swords, arrows, spikes, hammers. At least three heads get cut off and one guy gets run over by an APC and he literally explodes in awesome blood and gore. There is someone who gets barbecued alive and then cut into pieces and consumed. The victims of the Reaper virus look like hell, covered in boils and bleeding everywhere. If I had a dollar for every person who get shot, I’d be able to buy a weeks worth of alcohol, and I drink like a fish (assuming fish drink a lot).

Lust

My bad girl fetish had me holding a pillow over my crotch the entire film. Too much info – or not enough? We do see some naked breasts, yay, but we’re not overloaded. We get some hot, trashy Apocalyptic strippers and the mind defyingly hot Lee-Anne Liebenberg, who plays Viper, that hot warrior chick you’ve seen in the trailers. She is not in the film nearly enough, but every moment she’s on screen, mmmm God damn. There is also Rhona Mitra, of course, who is definitely looking good. I had the pleasure of interviewing her (see video here) and she is a very attractive woman.

Learning

When the world goes to shit, violence is king. So either become a bad mother or enlist with a bad mother. The government is always out to screw you, too, and take any chance they get to make things easier for themselves. Basic lessons of the Apocalypse. Also, once Doomsday actually hits, all normal clothing will disappear and be replaced by sexy leather garb. Bring it on!

Lee-Anne Liebenberg as Viper

Review

Back when the movie first came out, our own family man and WTFer Kevin Carr gave it a pretty good review and I agree. This Un-Rated DVD was so crazy and so much fun that I just had to bring it to the Coroner’s Report and let all you blood junkies know that its worth the price of admission. The film is bloody and violent and doesn’t shy away from putting bullets into badguys and arrows into good guys. The film is either so fun its ridiculous or so ridiculous its fun, probably a perfect mixture of both. It’s not a beacon of story-telling or anything, but that’s not what Coroner’s Report is about – we reward blood, boobs, and decapitations and this film had them all. How crazy is it? Well, in Scotland there are two factions – the ones you see in the trailer are your typical Mad Max style punks, obsessed with anarchy and hedonism. On the other side of the spectrum are the recluses who have taken up residence in a castle and dress like its the year 1200. There are even gladiatorial fights, guys on horseback, and a gigantic knight. Yeah, an armored knight on horse back with a lance. What more can you ask for?

If you want a sexy ride through a violent and obscenity filled Apocalyptic Scotland, this is the flick for you. I can say that on a purely fun level, I enjoyed this film a lot. Violence, blood, and a chick with a tattooed tongue! Someone tapped into my dreams and pumped that right into the film. Now bear in mind that I’m grading this on its fun factor and the blood spilled – is this an Oscar flick? Hells no! But is it a flick you can watch again and again and cheer every time a head gets crushed or a dozen punks get machine gunned? You bet your ass.

Grade: A-


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