Coroner’s Report: Alien Raiders


alien_raiders_dvdScience fiction and horror go together like peanut butter and chicks with huge boobs, meaning that both are totally awesome and are great on their own but put them together and you’ve got a nice little Saturday planned.  When I heard about Alien Raiders I wanted to rush right out and snag it, but because I’m lazy. I waited and waited and waited and just now got around to finally reviewing.  Was it worth the wait?  Read on.

Alien Raiders follows a group of scientist ass-kickers (more common than you’d think) who are on the hunt for people infected with a race of parasitic aliens.  They’re hot on the trail of the King, the one responsible for spreading around all his little demon seeds.  If they can take him out, they can stop the threat.  In doing so, the group has staged a violent take over of a small town grocery store where they believe the alien is hiding out.  Actions like that tend to get the cops involved and then you’ve got trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for “Phuck, aliens!”


Eleven people, some with aliens inside them, some without, take the long, cold dirt nap.  Some of the kills are offscreen and none are spectacular.


The preferred method of dispatch in Alien Raiders is gunshots.  Pretty much everyone dies from a gunshot.  Someone gets stabbed in the throat, a finger is cut off, there is a gross autopsy but that’ll about do it.  Fairly weak.


Absolutely nothing.


I don’t know what I learned, other than maybe never trust a ho.


Ultimately, Alien Raiders is disappointing.  It had a cool premise of scientists kicking ass against aliens and was shot well and even had mostly decent acting.  But it just never really gripped me.  There was never a sense of real danger from the alien and most of the killing happens quick and is almost completely unrelated to any alien badassery.  In the story, seemingly all but maybe one of the people infected don’t know they’re infected, so the spoiler I bring up next can’t be written off.  In the beginning, a cop executes one of the supposed criminals, who are actually the scientists.  This is the weakest looking of the bunch, he’s unarmed and just standing there and a cop shoots him in cold blood.  Now, the cop later turns out to be an alien, but like stated, he wouldn’t have known he was an alien, so that doesn’t explain his actions.  That’s just a stupid device to get rid of that character.  Put a gun in his hand and I don’t have a problem with it.

This same cop brings on more lame in terms of the alien – it’s basically just an overweight cop.  We never see an awesome alien tearing through people.  We see a pain resistant cop whose body has been taken over.  Not all that cool.  I did say the film was well shot, but let me say that doesn’t apply to any of the lame POV handicam crap in the beginning.  I’m very well tired of that.  Further, the film has a pretty predictable ending that wasn’t very shocking.  Sadly, there isn’t much more to say about the film as once its over its rather quickly forgotten.

Grade: C-

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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