If you’ve been fortunate enough to avoid this news until now, I’m sorry, it’s about to get shitty. George Lucas, in a move that surprises no one but angers anyone who’s ever seen Star Wars, has excessively tinkered with the movies in the saga, taking the beloved and dropping a pile of turds on it.
It’s true Lucas has been wallowing in the sewage pool after tweaking the original movies in shitty ways (Greedo shoots first, Jabba looks like ass, etc) and making three bad movies to utterly destroy the awesome coolness that was Darth Vader and irreparably rupture the continuity of the franchise.
Not content to stop there though, ol’ Georgie-poo has decided to add another notch to his bulbous neck by ignoring (mostly) fan outcry and amplifying the shit we already hate. Let’s break it down.
More CGI aka Death of the Yoda Puppet & The Blinking Ewoks
If there were one thing the franchise needed, it was more CGI, amirite? After all, it’s not like Star Wars is well known and widely adored for the awesome practical effects and puppets, right? In one change, Lucas has decided that the admittedly shitty Yoda puppet in The Phantom Menace has been replaced by the CGI Yoda from the latter films.
Further, in a move that can only be considered delusional and completely, utterly retarded, the Ewoks will now blink. Because that’s the least believable part about teddy bears killing highly trained Stormtroopers, the fact that their lifeless button eyes didn’t look enough like giant, wet, anime eyes. Well, never fear, because now they do and it sucks.
Han & Greedo Get the Same Idea at the Same Time
While anyone who is right knows that Han Solo shot first and that made him cool, George Lucas thought that instead of cool, Han should be respectable and shoot second. I mean, it’s not like his character was awesome because he was a lovable rogue, not afraid to blast a dirty bounty hunter. A dirty bounty hunter, but not a very good one. I mean, the ‘new’ Greedo takes a shot from across the table, literally three feet away, from his blaster that he’s had trained on Solo for 90 seconds. And he misses. Worst. Bounty Hunter. Ever.
This all almost changes on the Blu-ray, as in the new cut, Greedo and Han shoot pretty much at the same time. Greedo shoots just a little bit faster, and still misses horribly, while Solo fires his follow up shot so quickly that he clearly was just going to blast Greedo anyways. So now Solo is just as much of a cold blooded murderer that Lucas wanted to avoid, it’s just that he’s a good bit slower than he used to be.
Fans Aren’t the Only Ones Crying
Once upon a time, Old Ben Kenobi scared off some sand people by making some loud noises. After all, the sound people scare easily, but soon return and in greater numbers. This go ’round, for some reason that can only be explained by George Lucas literally hating everything, Obi-Wan apparently brings an MP3 player with him and plays some crisp digital recording of a “krayt dragon.” Now, he doesn’t really have an MP3 player, but he definitely makes a noise that no human could ever make. Why is this change even necessary? We don’t know what the fuck a krayt dragon is or what it sounds like. And if Sand People are easily scared off, wouldn’t his old whooping and hollering have worked just as well?
If your answer to that question was a ridiculous Vader-in-Revenge-of-the-Sith-style “NoOOOooOOOOooooOOOOOOOoooOOoOOO” then you’re in luck, because we’ve got more shitty audio changes and it’s the aforementioned Vader scream polluting our ears in Return of the Jedi. Instead of a stoic Vader watching Luke being electrocuted by the Emperor, with an amazing amount of emotion coming through body language alone, we get what used to be the baddest mother fucker in the galaxy whimpering “No” a la the worst part of Sith before giving the Emperor the old heave ho.
These are all shitty, unnecessary changes that are going to make the movies worse, with maybe the sole exception of ditching the Yoda puppet, though I hate that on principle alone. It boggles the mind why any of these changes are needed. Why was anything changed in the first place? I mean, it’s one thing if Lucas wants to release these director’s cuts, but why the fuck am I robbed of the movies I loved as a kid and a teenager?
You know what the worst part of all this is? In a few years, some kids are going to watch the Star Wars movies for the first time, having heard about how instrumental they were, how popular they were, and how amazing they were and this kid is going to watch these Blu-rays and say to himself “What’s the big fucking deal?” at best and “Wow these kind of suck” at worst. The films have been chopped and glued and amended like some piece of shit Toyota that refuses to die, rather than being tended to like a classic Corvette. The movies we loved are dying, bit by bit, sound by sound, scene by scene.
Fuck you, George Lucas. I loved you once. Now all you do is push me past my boiling point.