If you’re a regular reader of the site, you’ve probably clicked into this article hoping to hear me tear Twilight a new asshole. If you’re a visiting “Twihard,” you’ve most likely come bearing fangs ready to tear out my throat over bashing your sweet Edward love child. So sorry to disappoint you both. See, this article isn’t about Twilight per say. It’s about the phenomena around it. And not the one you’re thinking. Not the whole “how can anyone like something so much” or the “how much can tweens spend on movies” or whatever else. No, this is about the system of “cool” movie sites fighting the Twilight wave and then turning on each other.
There are a couple ways sites cover Twilight. Most of them take the “we’re reluctantly covering this” route or the “can you believe this shit” pathway. Then there are the uber cool sites and pretentious authors who “refuse to cover that movie because they’re not hit whores.” I guess they’re not entertainment writers, either, because how do you ignore the $140 million elephant in the room? Friends, I come here not to bury this franchise, nor to praise it, but to remind you we’re all in the same boat together. It just so happens that their boat is painted black and sparkles in the sunlight while your boat is a yellow smiley face with a blood trickle or a mock-up of the Millennium Falcon.
We’re all nerds here. We’re all fanboys and fangirls. Why should we hate each other? It’s a form of self-hatred, or at best, hypocrisy. Think about it, gentlemen. You’ve all been picked apart for something you, and your group, loved. It sucks. Sure you’re man enough to push someone around now, but remember being pushed? Who isn’t a Star Wars fan? Plenty of people! Remember how you went opening weekend to see The Phantom Menace you nerd? Hey Trekkie, how about that worn out, too tight officers shirt you still wear out on public? Yes, people are laughing at you. Comic book nerds, scifi geeks, horror hounds, you’re all outcasts in one way or another and you just want people to understand you like what you like. Well, welcome to the Twilight party, asshats.
I’ll be honest – I haven’t seen Twilight. Maybe it is the massive piece of shit people say it is. Maybe its not. One day I’ll put that Netflix disc in my player and find out. But I’m not going to get upset about it. I don’t think it ruined Comic-Con and I don’t care how much money it makes. Why should I? There is a huge group of people out there who find joy in it – who are you to spit on that? Probably fat and bearded and full of inner shame. Hey man, you cast the first stone.
So I say fuck it. Who cares? You run a movie review site, it’s your job to cover this movie. You think reporting on it is “hit whoring?” Number one, you’re an idiot. Refer to the previous point of you being in the field of movie news and Twilight being a movie. Second the other term for “hit whoring” is “traffic increasing” which translates to a more popular site actually turns a profit. Fuck, sign me up for that, I’ll wear a God damn Team Jacob shirt if it gets me paid. Oh, am I sell out? Pfft. I’m a realist. This movie is huge news and by not covering it, you’re just trying to stand out in a field of people who are covering it. When you say you won’t cover “that movie” all you’re doing is whoring to the people who hate it. You’re still a hypocrite.
What it comes down to is this – Twilight isn’t hurting anyone. It’s not hurting you or your site traffic. So you don’t get it. You don’t know why people like it. Those teenage girls, they don’t know why you like Star Wars. They’re not on board with Indiana Jones. They don’t care about super heroes with timepieces – Watchmen puns are still cool, right? Twilight is an easy target for most of our readership bases. We make fun of it because we can without losing any of our readers. It’s okay to hate this movie. I mean, hey, you have to be negative about some movies to make people forget that you praised GI Joe after getting back from your all expenses paid set visit and lunch with the cast, right?
You can mount some pathetic excuse about how this makes Hollywood lazy, but it doesn’t. Hollywood has always been lazy. When this stops making money, they’ll move on to the next thing. Love all these comic book movies? Hollywood is lazy. They’re catering to you with those and to teenage girls with Twilight. Six of one, half dozen of the other. Hell, this franchise coming to Comic Con could be a good thing. Bring in a couple thousand teenage girls, show them their sparkly vampires, then give them a dose of Iron Man, Batman, Spider-Man, Star Wars, Star Trek, Avatar, Aliens, Evil Dead and whatever else shows up and pretty soon us fanboys have a bunch of new fangirls to hang out with. Wipe the Doritos crumbs from your beard and make a new friend. Meanwhile, I’ll be watching this Twilight spectacle and every time I see some moron fanboy attack some Twilight fangirl for being a fangirl, I’ll sparkle past my boiling point.
Can’t get enough of Robert Fure’s rants? Get them in real time on twitter: Twitter.com/RejectRobert. Also, check out the Boiling Point Archive.