News came over the last couple of days that former visionary director/current enviro-geek James Cameron was going to, instead of directing a new film (wouldn’t want to accidentally make two in a decade), spend millions of dollars and millions of seconds painstakingly bringing 1997s short film Titanic back to the screens, this time in three dimensions. In case you weren’t alive between 1997 and 1999, where Titanic stayed in theaters for a full year, the story has something to do with a boat, a gem, and freezing to death.
I’m sure that if you’re reading this site you’ve either seen Titanic or know enough about it to know that you didn’t want to watch it. I have seen it and have no desire to see it again. It’s not a bad film, but it is long as hell and a bit on the melodramatic side. Aside from being responsible for turning Leonardo DiCaprio into a household name and making all my ex-girlfriends put posters of him on their walls, what could be wrong with Titanic coming back to the big screen? Simply put, Titanic 3D is everything wrong with Hollywood in a tight 194 minute package.
At this point in the program, I’m supposed to start coming up with reasons to back up my opinion. Luckily, I’ve got a few lined up. In no particular order, here is why Titanic 3D represents the worst of Hollywood.
- Unoriginal. What is worse than a remake, a reboot, a prequel, or a sequel? Why, a re-release of a film. If we complain about the endless stream of franchises and reboots and otherwise unoriginal ideas in Hollywood, how can anything be more unoriginal than, line for line, shot for shot, credit for credit, the same film going into wide release again?
- Post Converted 3D. I’m not one of the many people out there who loudly protest about 3D. I’m a fan of 3D in many instances and think many films can be either very fun or very well done in 3D. There is a time and a place for it. Most of us, the 3D fans and the haters, will agree though that post converting a film into 3D is generally poop. It doesn’t look as good and it’s generally a waste of time. If a film made approximately $2 billion, what more can 3D bring to it?
- James Cameron is Good. Cameron has made some great films – by that I mean he made The Terminator, The Abyss, Terminator 2, True Lies, and Aliens. After Titanic he took 12 years to make a few documentaries and then his big budget 3D remake of Pocahontas. Why would we be happy he’s going to waste a lot more time not making movies?
- James Cameron is Not that Good. Cameron’s filmography is actually quite limited (what I listed above covers the bulk of it) and while he’s got some absolute classics (namely T2 and Aliens), I’m no fan of Titanic or Avatar. So when viewing his career chronologically, one could say that over the past fifteen years, Cameron has only made bloated, melodramatic spectacles that were interesting visually but had stories with as much depth as a playground sandbox.
- Time Delayed. As I mentioned briefly above, this is just serving to take up more of Cameron’s time, pushing back his other projects. I think he started work on Battle Angel circa 1980 (joking), but if you’re in a hurry for anything Cameron has ever mentioned, you’re in for disappointment. Hollywood is often a fan of fucking over movies we want to see (The Cabin in the Woods, Red Dawn) and fast tracking shit we don’t care about.
- Shit We Don’t Care Aboot. I say “aboot” because Cameron is Canadian, if you’re wondering. But on to the point – neither Hollywood nor James Cameron give a fuck about what we care about. Should they? Maybe not, but I’d like to think so. After all, we’re the assholes paying for the tickets. You’d think our patronage and comments would maybe give them they hint towards what we really want to pay for. Original, entertaining movies. Who the fuck out there is actively thinking, “You know what I want to pay $16 to see? Fucking Titanic in 3D.”
So while I’m sure there are going to be about 17 interesting minutes out of 194 to witness in 3D, like those gigantic ass steam towers falling down and crushing a bunch of poor immigrants, I don’t think I’m willing to sit through “My Heart Will Go On” and some old bitty waxing about that dude who slipped her some dick on the Titanic before it sank. I’d much rather watch something that was filmed in 3D and something that I’ve literally never seen before. All I know is even the idea of this bloated thing wasting cinema screens and eating up $16 ticket prices, far across the distance, and spaces, between us, makes my boiling point go on and ooooooooon.