Boiling Point: The Green Lantern’s CGEyesore

Boiling PointThe Green Lantern movie has an uphill battle from the start. Why? Because it’s not starring Batman, Superman, Spider-Man, the X-Men, or anyone remotely near that level of recognition to the average viewer. The first question many may ask when hearing there is a Green Lantern movie is “Why?” The second is probably “What?” or possibly “Who?”

I’m willing to give The Green Lantern the benefit of the doubt and not just because I have a huge man-crush on Ryan Reynolds. Well okay, yeah, mostly because of that. And so far, much of what we’ve seen looks pretty good. The trailer was fun. And the costume is… Well… Uh…

The costume is kind of shit. We first saw it last year, but with recent full body pics hitting the web we get to see the Lantern from head to toe and we see what might be the worst costume since nipples on the bat-suit. I mean, the Green Lantern never had a really cool costume to begin with, so there wasn’t much to work with. I kind of dig the muscled look of it. What I don’t dig is the fact that it is made from mother fucking CGI.

Yes, this is some sort of instantly appearing space pajama set, but seriously – a fully CGI bodysuit? Why on Earth would you hire Ryan Reynolds, one of the few capable actors who also has a real superhero’s physique, only to cover him in digital muscles? That’d be like hiring Arnold Schwarzenegger to play Yogi Bear – because who the fuck cares what you look like underneath CGI? Reynolds could pull off any skintight costume – or the costume could follow the Batman line and just be cool and rubber.

Beyond the CGI – wait – there is nothing beyond the CGI, because that’s all there is. But just beyond the shitty idea of a CGI costume and a shitty CGI mask there is just the general design of this thing. When we say “skin tight” we mean “so tight it sucks into your belly button and shows your toes.” Seriously. We can see the belly button. We can see the toes. How can a suit be that fucking tight that it actually sucks into the belly button? And if the suit is vacuum-sealed that tightly, how are we not seeing hair on his balls, veins on his shaft, and pimples on his ass? Where are the goddamn nipples?

I don’t want to see any of those things – but if the suit is magically tight enough to show his innie and his little toe, it’s probably tight enough to show his ball sack in detail. Consistency is all I ask for.

So what I’m saying is the Green Lantern’s costume is bullshit. It’s shitty. It’s CGI. What’s next? Sinestro’s mustache is digital too? Let’s put an end to utterly useless and ridiculous CGI. I mean, this is one step away from being The Polar Express. Fuck that noise man. Practical is perfect! Strap him into a rubber suit – it’s just better looking. And less belly buttony. While I’m still interested in seeing The Green Lantern, every time I see unnecessary anatomy (and remember it’s CGI) I go past my boiling point.

All other Boiling Points are rendered in the best CGI of 1994

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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