Boiling Point: Take a Breather, Johnny

Boiling PointDoes anyone hate Johnny Depp? Sure, probably. That same person probably also hates chocolate, delicious potato chips, sex, and 8 year old whiskeys. In short, un-fun dicks. Johnny Depp is just one of those guys you have to love. He hasn’t been perfect over the years (The Man Who Cried) but even his odder films (Cry Baby, Dead Man) and his less than great films (The Astronaut’s Wife, Nick of Time) are generally worth watching.

Depp was only briefly a secret, but he was never a true star until Pirates of the Caribbean launched him into the stratosphere. Then that cool, off-kilter actor suddenly became a familiar face on toys, notebooks, t-shirts, and the walls of teenage girls.

Do I still love Johnny Depp? Of course. But Johnny, I think it might be time to take a break.

Why should Depp, an amazing and entertaining actor, take a break? Simple. He’s becoming over exposed. I love the dude more than the next guy, but I’ve had enough of hearing his name being sought out for every single role and him being cast in a third of them. I mean, let’s look at what he’s managed since 2009 through the rest of this year:

Spongebob Squarepants, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, Alice in Wonderland, The Tourist, Rango, The Rum Diary, and Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.

I guess that’s not too crazy. Until you consider what’s rumored or pending or announced or otherwise putting Depp’s face in my face.

Shantaram, Happy Days, In the Hand of Dante, The Lone Ranger, Triple Frontier, Dark Shadows, The People’s Act of Love, Rex Mundi, Inamorata, Affected Provincial’s Companion, Caliber, My American Lover, The Thin Man, and Pirates of the Caribbean 5.

Who the fuck are we talking about here, Will Smith? No, we’re not talking about mother fucking Will Smith. We’re talking about Edward Scissorhands. We’re talking about William Blake. We’re talking about mother fucking Gilbert Grape. We’re talking about Sam (Not Benny or Joon, dumb dumbs).

There was a time we could ignore the few bad movies in Depp’s resume. After all, he only made a few and they were generally projects he was, for some reason or another, invested in. Who can hate on someone for that? But now that he’s taking big studio films and making big studio mistakes (The Tourist), can we forgive him? Yes. But should we give him a break? Nah.

It must be something else to go from making whatever you make to act in a small French movie to getting paychecks with two numbers followed by six zeros. Hell, you could film me shitting into a catapult that shot the poop back into my face for $17 million. Who am I  to point the blame at someone who kisses Angelina Jolie for a few a new mansion?

Actors become hot commodities for a brief period of time – brief being two to three years. During this time, you can easily burn out and disappear. Matt Damon was everywhere after the Bourne films and has slowed down a bit. Jude Law was in everything for a two year period, now his career has been mostly Repoed.

So Johnny, it’s because I love you that I must insist you hit the brakes and get a bit picky again. You don’t have to turn down the big checks and avoid the blockbuster movies; I want to see you in awesome tent pole films. But I’m worried if you keep down this track, one day you’ll end up in Momma’s House in a fat suit. I feel it already, and every time I hear the name Johnny Depp mentioned in a casting wish list, I go past my boiling point.

Take a break from the Pirates marathon on TBS and read more Boiling Point

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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