Boiling Point: Restrooms are the Bestrooms

Recently I decided to completely and utterly waste 90 minutes of my life, so I watched The Unborn. There’s a lot one could negatively write about that movie, but one scene in particular really irked me.  At one point, Odette Yustman (hot) is feeling ill at a very busy club. She stumbles into the completely empty ladies room (huh?) and goes to her knees in front of the toilet.  She pulls her hair back, leans in, gets all up in that porcelain and throws up.

The bathroom is strange because it’s empty, but also because it’s sparkling clean.  At least until a toilet erupts with diarrhea and termites. Long story. (Short version: this movie sucks)  There are only two kinds of bathrooms in movies: sparkling fresh, so clean you could eat off of it, or dirty disgusting glory hole stations.  Actually, The Unborn merges these, with a sparkling clean bathroom that still has a glory hole in it.

My major gripe, regardless of cleanliness, is actors entering the bathroom completely lose sight of the fact that it’s a dirty disgusting bathroom.  Anyone who’s sick throws themselves onto the ground and wraps their arms around the toilet.  Major No No.  I know you’ve seen the inside of public bathrooms.  They’re like the scariest places on Earth.  The floor is wet with urine, the toilet soaked in pee and caked in poop. (Good morning, how’s that sausage McMuffin?)

Like Jerry Seinfeld, if any part of my attire, other than the bottom of my shoe, touches the floor of a bathroom, I’m out. I’m burning that.  I know how to drink. Sometimes I forget how to stop. I’ve been in that place where throwing yourself on the slick bathroom floor seems like a good idea.  But even my slurred speech, blind stupor, I know not to touch anything in that bathroom.  Hell, I’d rather throw up in the trash can or the sink.  The toilet is literally the last place I want to throw up in the bathroom.  Okay, second to last – throwing up in a urinal seems like a bad idea.

The dirty disgusting bathroom is fine. Most of them fall into that category.  The ultra sparkly clean bathroom needs to go. No restroom, no matter how clean it actually is, should ever be presented in a way that looks nice.  Because deep down, it’s not.  So first, Hollywood, spray some apple juice around.  Slick that sucker up.  Make it wet. Make it gross.  Make it real.

Next – actors.  Heads up.  You’re in a bathroom.  Unless you’re to the point of can’t even form words drunk, you know better than to crawl around a public bathroom.  Who goes to their knees to throw up anyway?  But worse still – hugging the toilet.  I get it, the Earth is spinning.  You want to communicate that.  But you’re also communicating that you’re embracing a shit stained commode.

If we’re in American Pie mode, yes, that’s funny. It’s a joke, it’s so gross!  But I’m talking about normal movies. Normal people. Normal amounts of drunk or sick.  Flopping around dirty bathrooms like it was a clean slip-n-slide on a warm summers day.

My suspension of disbelief just does not go far enough to imagine a person being okay with sliding around a dingy restroom.  I mean, that has got to be traumatic, waking up to wet clothes and smelling like a homeless man.  Why don’t we ever see the ramifications of this?  If the character is going to belly flop on the floor, he should be shunned by society and jump right into the shower.

Some of you might be thinking “Really, this is what he’s complaining about this week?”  Yeah, well, you’re probably the kind of people who hug public toilets – and that’s gross.  All I’m saying is I expect people to stay in character.  If someone touches a hot stove (even though its a prop and not hot) they’re supposed to react like it’s hot.  If they get a cold drink spilled on their crotch, they react.  Well, dirty disgusting public bathrooms are the same way.  If someone wants to break dance in a puddle of pee at a TGIFriday’s while vomiting, they’d better react.  As you’ve probably figured by now, whenever I see someone totally cool about hugging a public toilet, I vomit on the way past my boiling point.

Click here to read more Boiling Point

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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