News came last week that the troubled MGM remake of the classic, chest poundingly patriotic Red Dawn was getting a political face lift with the invading force being digitally swapped from Chinese to North Korean. But what’s the big deal, as Jack Giroux always drunkenly says: all Asians are the same.
Kidding. He’s generally sober. But really, MGM is indeed going through about a million dollars worth of post production changes to get rid off as many China references as they can and replace them with North Korean ones. Why? Well China has the second largest economy in the world these days (second to the good ol’ US of A) and a lot of American companies do a lot of work in China. China also is notorious for throwing fits when anyone mentions things like death buses, oppression of freedom and religion, guacamole, spies, and basically anything that points a spotlight on how big a dick their government can be.
So, obviously, big companies don’t want to piss off China and risk losing that sweet, sweet source of income. With MGM’s decision to make the change, plenty of outlets and writers like Vince over at FilmDrunk have taken aim at MGM and more or less called them pussies for bowing down to as of now imaginary Chinese anger over the film. But you know what? I support the switch to North Korea, and here’s why.
When I first heard the news, I too thought that this was bullshit. Who the fuck cares about hurting the Chinese government’s feelings? Then I thought, hey, China isn’t really our enemy in any real sense and North Korea is, so why piss off someone who hates us a lot even more when we could just playfully rib a burgeoning friend? Why piss off the pissed off almost-nuclear powered miniature dictator?
But then I got to thinking about that. Why should we make a movie about us getting some ass-kicking payback on some Chinese invaders when China shouldn’t really be considered some evil enemy. They’re starting to see that money is good too and we’re all doing business together. We can be friends. So why have some Michigan teenagers gun them down?
Why indeed, when we could take a chance to spray some patriotic piss on the North Korean government instead? I mean, if you take a poll of what government’s everyone unanimously considers to be full of pricks, North Korea beats China on every list except the North Korean one. So fuck the North Koreans. Well, just the government I guess. I don’t think I know any real North Korean citizens, but I doubt they’re the Kim Jong Assholes like the leadership of that country. They probably have better hair, too.
The way I see it, and celebrate it, is that this isn’t MGM bowing to Chinese wishes and playing nice with them, it’s just MGM giving a red, white, and blue middle finger to Kim Jong and the boys. Surely that pint-sized Pol Pot has wet dreams about marching his troops over the amber waves of grain we call Middle America. So why not grant him his wish for the first 30 minutes of this movie to get his hopes up and then dance with glee as a bunch of attractive teen athletes celebrate the Second Amendment by utterly humiliating the invading North Korean force and making them look like a bunch of clowns?
No shit MGM isn’t giving the Koreans the finger out of patriotic responsibility. And it probably is a bit of a puss move to try to appease the Chinese before they even start boo-hooing, especially considering they’ll probably ban the film from playing there anyways. But just because the intention isn’t quite right doesn’t mean we can’t embrace the end result. We shouldn’t hate China. Yeah, politically they can be douche bags, but you’ve got to admit they’re getting better, they’re getting better every day.
The North Koreans on the other hand are the world’s dingleberry at the moment. No one loves those little atomic peckerheads running that country. So let’s light ‘em up! Bring on the invasion and pour yourself a steaming cup of deer blood – it’s time to blaze some North Korean invaders.
Who cares that actual reasons why China is being swapped out? After all, if the movie started out as originally being written with a North Korean enemy, no one would have questioned it. They’re already a bunch of dicks. So rather than deriding MGM over a change that is mostly unnoticable, let’s all take a moment to tell Kim Jong Il to fuck off and send him past his boiling point.