It’s October and that means one thing in Hollywood: not releasing horror movies. It’s become sort of a yearly tradition for me to bitch about the lack of horror movies released in the month of Halloween and so far, Hollywood hasn’t yet disappointed in disappointing me.
People love Halloween, they love scary movies, and they love combining the two. During the month of October, more people than ever are interested in seeing scary flicks and having fun in a theater. You can look at positively mediocre movies, like most of the Saw franchise, Rob Zombie’s Halloween movies, and Paranormal Activity, that are released in October and make oodles of money — money they wouldn’t make at any other time.
It’s sort of like when poker started appearing on television, everyone started buying poker sets. Poker movies started coming out. SyFy Channel and The Asylum make a living off of making rip-off movies that play around the release of huge movies, when people are most interested in that subject. If only there were a way to know when people would be interested in what…
Oh wait, it’s called a fucking calendar. Halloween happens every fucking year and every year people want to watch horror movies. It’s not rocket science. It’s not even science. It’s common sense.
You’d think that after 40 years of making slasher films, Hollywood would have an idea that releasing them around Halloween might be cool. So let’s see what 40 years of experience has given us this October in terms of horror releases.
- The Thing
- Trespass (not actually a horror movie, but it’s almost kind of close)
- Red State (just Kidding, you can buy the DVD)
- Human Centipede II (only if you were in Austin in September)
- Paranormal Activity 3
So really, if you want to watch a horror movie in a movie theater in October, you either have to find a cool joint showing old movies, settle for a home invasion movie, check out a remake or watch a sequel. How does this make sense?
Why are there no horror movies in theaters right now? It’s Halloween time! I mean, there are literally businesses that open for two months a year, every year, just to capitalize on people’s love of Halloween. Candy companies pop huge Easter/Christmas-killer boners and sell specialty chocolates. Thrift stores change their signs to to advertise themselves as Costume Superstores!
I wouldn’t be surprised if Pizza Hut offered a pumpkin shaped pizza – and I’d sure as fuck buy one, because I love Halloween. I love Pumpkin Milkshakes, black and orange tortilla chips, and spooky cheap-ass gritty candy, because I love horror and everything around it.
Hollywood, you want my money? TAKE IT. I am throwing it away all over the place every October to satisfy my horror cravings. You are the one I want most, baby. You’re the one for me. I just want a few good nights this month. Can’t I just get a new horror movie every week in October? Can’t I get something special, scary, full of tits and blood? We used to be happy.
We were happy in January. Or February. When for some reason you released all the horror movies. You forgot my birthday and our anniversary, Hollywood, and I think we’re going to break up this time. You’re insensitive, bad with timing, and you don’t know me. You don’t know what I want or how to give it to me, or even when.
You’re a terrible girlfriend, Hollywood, and you’re stupid. Too stupid to make money hand over bloody stump. I don’t buy Christmas trees in July and I don’t see beach movies in December. You’re not completely blind to the idea of timely releasing – so why do you fail so badly every October?
In pure return on investment, horror films are amazing. You can triple that amount just by releasing it in October or the first week of November. Wise up, assholes, because while I love horror movies, Halloween, and October in general, every year you push me past my boiling point.