Today is Valentine’s Day for all of those out there who have no reason to recognize such a holiday. You know, that old holiday dating back to 4 B.C. where we celebrate all the different kinds of candy Jesus gave to his secret crushes. Or something like that, I’m not really into all that religion stuff.
But since today is the day we’re forced to celebrate love I thought I’d take a mere moment to shit on the idea. No, not on love itself, but just on how the idea is executed in film and television. Hollywood gets a lot of things wrong when it comes to love – like it lasting forever or being so darn cute and awkward. Whatever. If there is one thing Hollywood really get’s wrong is the ladder dynamic of relationships. That is, most of the time, hot people love hot people and not people love not people – because they have to.
There are always exceptions to every rule, sure. Sometimes money or mental retardation comes into play and someone ugly will snag someone hot. It’s rare, but it happens. Maybe even one or two times money wasn’t involved. Maybe. But if you live in your television set, then every average joe garbage man can score a super hot babe. Just take a look at anything ever involving Kevin James. Why are his women always so hot?
According to Jim is another fat guy-hot wife mix-up and while fat guy-hot wife is the default these days, we can’t forget just ugly guy and hot woman. You can check out Grandma’s Boy for that or any movie where either Seth Rogen or Jonah Hill has sex with a female. Okay, Rogen has lost a lot of weight recently, but he’s still outside of his league most of the time.
We’re all visual people in this world. Well at least those of us who can see are. People like to date and fuck and marry around their station – that is, the same level of hotness. Sevens get with sevens and fours get with fours. That’s how this works. Why can’t we get a little bit of that on the television? No, it’s not hot, but neither is the idea of Peter Griffin suffocating Lois with his sweaty man bosoms. Where are the matched couples? The ones who line up? The regular Janes and Joes? A few shows match hotties up with each other – usually just for flings – but no show really nails the ball on ‘average couple.’
Why not go for ultimate coupe and cast a few fat ugly people together? I mean, let’s not give the fatties and the uglies too much hope – they will never find happiness anywhere other than the bottom of a milkshake.
No seriously I’m fucking with you.
There is just a certain breed of actor that shouldn’t be paired with a hot co-star. That’s fine. Danny DeVito didn’t make it big as a romantic lead. Not every movie has to have some guy get the girl. Or, if he does, it doesn’t have to be someone far out of his league – looks wise. You can have a good looking nerd score a cheerleader – that’s unlikely enough to be entertaining, but not offensive to our sensibilities. No one wants to watch Clint Howard lay pipe on some hot broad. No one really believes DJ Qualls can bed a super star.
Hollywood and love are both about the suspension of disbelief – but give me a break. Let’s inject just a little realism into this world stop the unnatural pairings. It’s just weird. Yeah, it can be cute. Fat guys can be cuddly and funny to some women – but usually not drop dead gorgeous super models. That joke is played out – and it probably did start as a joke. Casting someone like Jonah Hill or the dainty Michael Cera as someone who can pull down a super babe? I’d sooner believe Jurassic Park was a documentary. (If only dreams did come true!)
Hey, what can I say? I’m paid to be an asshole. This Valentine’s Day, if you’ve got someone you love – good on you. If they’re out of your league – double good on you man. But it’s more likely that you’re dating around your level – nice work. But let’s just for once, on this day of love, turn a critical eye to television and movies and say “That guy, with her? No fucking chance.” Then flip the channel and watch something romantic like Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day like a rape-homicide.
Anyway, seeing Kevin James, Jim Belushi, or Donal Logue lay it to an overly hot wife pushes me past my boiling point. These aren’t fantasy films, after all. ZING.