Boiling Point: Lighten the Lens Load of 3D Goggles

Boiling PointListen, 3D is a contentious issue. Lots of people hate 3D and let it be known almost daily. I guess I get it. I mean, sometimes 3D is done poorly. Sometimes it’s annoying. It’s kind of a gimmick. Then again, there has been some good 3D, too. Transformers: Dark of the Moon looked amazing, Thor and Captain America were both well done, and plenty of movies from My Bloody Valentine 3D to the Final Destination films (recent ones) have been fun in 3D.

We’re also moving into a new age of 3D, one where some of the most respected directors in the world are making 3D films. Peter Jackson, Steven Spielberg, James Cameron, Francis Ford Coppola, Ridley Scott, all the major players are going to play with 3D and many of them love it – like Ridley Scott who said, perhaps exaggeratedly, that he’d never make a film without 3D again.

So, for now, 3D is here to stay and while it can be imperfect, often it’s fun. There is one instance, however, when the 3D kind of sucks no matter what.

And that’s when you get those God damned two pound goggle pairs of 3D glasses. Some people are annoyed by any glasses, but these big red mother fuckers are atrocious. Yeah, they’re advanced – they have built in shutters and can accept different coded signals, giving you range to do cool stuff.

Cool stuff like when playing video games, you can have a one and two player signal sent to different glasses, so each person plays with a full screen. Or one day, two different people could be watching the same television but different programs simultaneously. This is awesome technology.

Except, we’re not playing video games in the theater. We’re not watching different things. We’re all watching the same thing at the same time – so why do we need these goggles that could withstand a nuclear blast?  Who designed these things? Firstly, they’re heavy. Real heavy. Uncomfortably heavy. This causes them to weigh down on the nose and slowly slip over time – annoying.

Secondly, they’re just plain badly designed in terms of glasses. The soft rubber sides aren’t firm enough to keep them planted, they lack ear wrap-arounds to keep them planted, and yet they’re textured to hold on – which they don’t – and that just makes feel even more uncomfortable. So basically you’ve got something that is painful to wear and won’t stay on your face. That shit fucking hurts.

Why are we wearing these space goggles? RealD makes some lightweight plastic glasses that are far more comfortable and seem to work just as well as their heavier brethren. Fuck, I mean, nothing about this situation requires these heavy glasses. You could put these types of lenses into cardboard cutouts and it’d be better. Or you could do like Harry Potter and create cool, customized glasses. There are a hundred different things you can do to avoid using these big heavy glasses – but there they are.

I got to see two movies early last week, Fright Night and Captain America: The First Avenger, both in 3D. The 3D in them was competent and whatever – I don’t mind 3D, so I have no problem that they’re actually in 3D. What I had a problem with is that both used those damn goggles. The whole time I’m watching I have to push the heavy frames up my nose because they keep sliding down.

During Fright Night I got so annoyed I would take them off for spells, not to ignore the 3D, but to ease the pain on my face – the bridge of my nose and my ears. These glasses are not comfortable.

So listen up, Hollywood. You want to keep making 3D movies? Cool. That’s fine. But you’ve got to ditch these heavy ass glasses. Either redesign them to fit better and be careful, or to be lighter, or both – or hell, abandon them altogether. They’ve got to go. Enough people are already pushed past their boiling points by the mere nature of 3D itself, so if you’re going to use this format, at least spare us the pain and discomfort. Every time I latch those mother fuckers on my face, I know I’m seeing my boiling point in stereo.

See the light and read more Boiling Point

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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