Ah sequels. Giving us more insight into the lives of the characters we love. Furthering the adventures of our greatest heroes. The Empire Strikes Back. Godfather II. Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Fantastic movies, each stepping on the shoulders of the one before it and reaching for new heights. This article is not about those movies. This article is about The Godfather III. It’s about Behind Enemy Lines 2. I’m talking about Basic motherfucking Instinct 2.
What the hell, man? Seriously what is this? A movie makes money — sequel. A movie is well received — sequel. Someone recognizes the box art — sequel. An actor signed a two movie contract — sequel. Seriously, Hollywood, you have little to no grasp of common sense. Studios complain about box office receipts being down. I’ve got an idea. Quit spending $45million on bad idea sequels. Did anyone actually want a Basic Instinct follow up? Did one lucky weekend for Crank really merit a Crank 2? SPOILER, that dude was dead as shit. He fell out of a Helicopter. I think he bounced off a car and then hit the ground. That’s a pretty definitive ending. It’s a stupid ending, but at least its a ballsy ending. WHAM. We told you our character was going to die. Now he’s dead. We have a sense of respectability. WAIT ONE MINUTE, did you see those box office numbers? He is not dead. No, sir, we planned this from the start. He’s still making money so he’s still alive. I mean, his story still needs to be told! That’s what I meant!
Geeze Louise! Is there anything Hollywood won’t make a sequel to? If they could get away with it, they’d do it. What, Schindler’s List did well? Kidding, the Jews aren’t dead, they were faking it, come see the sequel! Haha, yeah, I could see how you thought the Titanic sunk at the end, but that was a vision! It didn’t sink, it’s still floating. The Titanic Sails Again November 23rd, 2010. Order your tickets now.
Listen, I understand sequels. I like some sequels. But some movies don’t merit sequels. With some characters, who gives a shit what happens next. Indiana Jones, fun character, we’d like to see what he’s doing. The Matrix we were willing to follow, even though we would have been better off with just one. Is Fight Club any worse because it wasn’t followed up with Edward Norton traveling to Europe and making a new fight club there? Nope. Can you imagine how laughable that would have been? Yup. Franchises and horror movies are fun. I’ll give Hollywood that. James Bond is the man. But then again, those are serialized and not just straight continuations. They’re fun.
But if I had a dollar for every sequel that shouldn’t have been made, or that just plain sucked a huge one, I would be driving a 2008 Camaro that turned into a giant robot. And you bet your ass I would make it pee on people. Is there any end in sight? No, they’re still making Crank 2. There is talk of a Sweeney Todd sequel. Anyone who saw the movie knows that’s a horrible idea that would go nowhere fast. But hey, sequels don’t even have to have anything to do with the original. They can ignore the movie that came before it. When you’re watching Alien3 just remember that the whole adventure of Aliens is erased in just a few seconds as everything you cheered and fought for disappears with a line of dialog and a shot of some bodies. Nothing like realizing it was all for naught.
So really, Hollywood, are all these sequels necessary? If you just called Behind Enemy Lines 2 something like Shot Down, we wouldn’t even complain. We’d just watch a cheap straight to DVD movie. We wouldn’t laugh at the lack of any stars in it or mock the decline in production. We’d just accept it. Some characters deserve just to be left alone. Don’t try to force them on us. We’re all ok just watching Blade Runner again. We don’t need to watch some futile half-assed attempt at recreating that which we loved previously. Now maybe I take it just a little bit further and maybe it bugs me just a little bit more, but I know I can’t be alone on this one. Without a doubt, I’m past my boiling point on unnecessary sequels. Are you?