This rant is entitled “Hey, Horror Movie Characters” for three reasons. One, 31 Days of Horror is in full effect and we’re talking horror every day. Two, it’s directed at characters in a horror movie. Three, I can’t put “Kill the Mother Fucker” in the subject header.
I love horror movies. This much is true and obvious. That doesn’t mean I give them a blank check written out to idiocy. There are plenty of bad things in horror movies, even in good ones. Primarily, people making bad decisions. Granted our victims are almost always young teenagers, unwise in the ways of the world, potentially inebriated, and often thinking with their sex organs rather than their central nervous system. Still, even in my most obliterated of states I know that I’m not going to fit through the doggy door in the garage.
So hey, horror movie characters. Quit making dumb decisions and kill the mother fucker.
I say kill the mother fucker because in hundreds of slasher movies, from Halloween to Friday the 13th to any of the sequels and spin-offs and rip-offs, almost every time our victims score a minor victory and stun the villain. They knock him down, they knock him out. They stab him or shoot him. They, somehow, slow his progress and put him in a vulnerable position.
What then? Why, they run away. Or, more often, they run somewhere, but not away. They run around. Upstairs, downstairs, down the hall, out the door. Never to safety. Always somewhere the danger still exists, where the killer will soon look. This is the wrong thing to do. What should they do? What should anyone do when faced with some psychotic being who has killed several of your friends and seems pretty impervious to most means of harming flesh and, despite his weakened state, still scares the shit out of you? Say it with me kids.
Kill the mother fucker.
Kill the mother fucker good. Smash his head in. Shoot him in the face. Cut his head off. Stomp on him until the police arrive. Player soccer with his lungs. Eat his heart. Run him through a wood chipper. I don’t care what you have to do, if you’ve found yourself in some sort of fucked up magical situation where a freaking 6’4″ 260lb maniac is tearing through your birthday party, you come up with an explanation for the cops later and you turn that asshole’s brains into mush and set his balls on fire.
A few movies have gotten it right, those few that give a wink and nod to the audience but rarely take themselves too seriously. Hatchet II has Marybeth doing the right thing with a hatchet and Scream sort of got it right, waiting for the killer to leap back into action only to catch a bullet. I say “sort of” because you don’t give the killer a chance to leap back in action. You blow his brains out on the ground.
There are so many more stupid things horror characters do that I could address – but I’ve got save something for next year’s 31 Days of Horror Boiling Point, don’t I? So in the meantime, horror movie characters, wise the hell up. This paranormal demon zombie psycho serial killer has got a few screws loose and the tenacity of a meth-head cranked up to eleven. He’s already killed and eaten bits of your girlfriend, raped your best friend, and smashed most of the windows in your house. When you get that opportunity, kill him beyond dead or I’ll watch you die shortly after reaching my boiling point.