Lately I’ve been on a teen sex comedy kick. Movies like Van Wilder or American Pie and their subsequent spinoffs. No joke, I’ve seen like all of American Pie Presents flicks and both the sequel and the prequel to Van Wilder. I’m not ashamed to admit that I enjoy them. I like looking at hot chicks, especially when they’re nude. I like laughing at poop jokes, boner jokes, and dogs licking peanut butter covered scrotums. Obviously, these movies are designed for someone like me – an awesome dude. But I’ve noticed a disturbing trend that goes back to the beginning.
Good looking people are evil. Obviously this is disturbing to me, a good looking jock, and it must be disturbing to my readers – intelligent, handsome lads and beautiful girls. Or whatever. Why are good looking people such bad people? Whether we’re talking about the Deltas of Animal House or Fraternity Leader Richard Bagg from Van Wilder, these good looking chaps are always out to ruin our comely heroes. Now, on one hand this does reflect the natural order of things – jocks pick on nerds. I’m willing to accept that. But there real thing that gets on me is that not only are these good looking villains mean to our leads, they’re philandering assbags.
Now, cheating is a part of life – we all have our accounts on AshleyMadison.com. But cheating is normally what hot people, or average looking people, do to ugly people. Or people they just stopped loving. In these movies, these hot jock/frat leaders often have the absolute hottest babes on campus, who they’ve been dating for years. Yet, they’ll often be shown to be cheating on them. I broke down the basic elements of cheating beforehand and I believe the primary reason is looks – if you’re already banging the hottest chick on campus, why would you risk losing that?
Even worse, though, is the commonly portrayed erectile dysfunction among our villainous leaders. They’ll struggle to get it up to penetrate their unbelievably hot blonde girlfriends or blow their loads after 20 seconds of lackluster humping. What gives? We get it, you need a villain, but come on.
I’m here to suggest, perhaps controversially, that these “villains” are actually just misunderstood guys, struggling to stay relevant in a changing world. They’re part of a strongly established institution on the college campus. They like what they like and now, here come some rowdy rule-breakers messing with the status quo. These “bad guys” stand up for what they believe in, perhaps a little too strongly at first and suddenly their long-term girlfriend, the hottest girl on campus, is defending the disruptive nerd. What gives, the Frat leader must think. So, he gets a bit upset and perhaps does something he regrets, something a bit illegal – but then again, our “heroic” outcast has broken several campus and state laws anyways.
Things continue to go against this understood, handsome man and before you know it – performance anxiety. Eventually, his entire world falls out from underneath him – his girl leaves him for his exact opposite and his Frat probably gets closed down. And for what? All because he wanted to maintain the status quo around town. Is that really so evil?
All I’m really saying is, Hollywood, give the good looking guys on campus a break. Can’t the bad guy be ugly or something? Can’t you just mix it up? We know what’s coming once we see Chet, the six foot tall blonde guy with the pre-boob job Tara Reid on his arm. Why such hate on the handsome, business bound collegiate? Why riddle him with erection difficulties? How about you change the game – hey, maybe the good looking conservative is the hero. Maybe he doesn’t cheat on his good looking girl and that slovenly, slacker new comer is the guy trying to tempt her away? Fighting change is apparently a bad thing. News flash, not all change is good. Pennies suck, for starters. Seriously, being a good looking party guy does not make someone evil. After all, Ryan Reynolds could have easily fit the bill to play the villain. Change it up. All I know is when I see some good looking, anti-change future business leader of America cheat on his girlfriend and fail to get an erection (seems unlikely to have both of those problems, but hey) I simmer up to my boiling point.