Yeah.  You read that right.  I’m here to talk about farts.  Gaseous emissions.  Tooters.  Backdoor breezes.  Butt blasters.  I’m talking about god damn farts for a minute.  Stay with me, this will be quick.  Here’s the deal.  Farts in movies suck.  I mean, they should be the easiest laugh you can ever get.  I don’t care what the situation is, you slip a stinker out and I’ll damn near piss myself laughing.  Funeral farts?  Hilarious.  Farts during surgeries?  Epic.  Massive shit blasters into a toilet?  God damn.  I’m about to have a giggle aneurysm.

So how is it most movie farts fall flat?  It’s embarrassing.  How many times have you sat there watching a movie and someones on the toilet and they squeeze out the fakest, most unrealistic fart.  I mean, who thinks using an electronic fart machine is a good idea?  98% of those farts sound like tinny shit, not real shit spray.  How hard is it to record some farts?  I’m sure there is some scat porn out there that is just full of fetish farts.  Why not pay to buy that soundtrack and put some real butt bubbles on the soundtrack?  Give me the farts.

Are the sound guys not familiar with what real farts sound like?  Are the Foley Mixers on some special diet that reduces their emissions?  Hollywood should be embarrassed with the quality of fart they’re putting out now.  Some movies in the past nailed.  Any Cheech & Chong film is chock full of nuts of quality farts, the kind that ring true and bring on the giggles so hard you fart yourself.  Step Brothers had a pretty decent toot, but tons of movies are packing in weak poo horns.  Parody movies are perhaps the worst.  I just watched Stan Helsing (reviewed later this week) and they slipped in some awkward farts.  I mean, come on.  Basically only one company is producing all these parodies, they should invest in a fart bank.  Get some real fart audio in there.  I demand practical farts!  When Harold and Kumar went to White Castle, two hot chicks played battle shits.  Or at least that’s what we’re supposed to think.  More likely they just used some fart app on the iPhone.  Ok, the iPhone wasn’t out yet, but still.  The DVD even had a behind the scenes segment where they faked recording real farts.  Why not just record the real farts?

Technology is awesome but it can’t replace the real thing.  Practical effects, both visual and sound, are better when they’re real.  We’ve all heard a fart.  We hear farts every day.  Farts are a part of life.  Don’t try to slip a fake on past us.  I love to laugh at potty humor, but fake farts just don’t sit well with me.  So come on, let’s get some real farts recorded and put those into the movie.  No more fake farts.  Let’s put an end to this tragedy.  Every time I hear a fake fart, I stifle a small giggle and rip past my boiling point.

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