Boiling Point: Don’t Put It In Your Mouth

Depending on how dirty your mind is, you may be thinking of several dirty things that could end up in your mouth.  Odds are you’re only thinking about one.  But we’re not here to talk about that.  At least not now.  But we are going to talk about stuff that shouldn’t go into your mouth, yet we constantly see people in movies put in there.  This is one bodily fluid that creates no joy on its pathway to your mouth and – seriously – who the hell would do this anyways?

Second or third guess after genitalia you may have come to the answer: blood.  I’m not talking about vampires or biting people or anything of that nature.  No, what I’m talking about here is even stupider.  It’s about characters, upon finding a blood pool, sticking in a finger.  Smelling it.  Tasting.  WHAT?  What are you doing?  That is both disgusting and dangerous.  Not to mention, completely unnecessary.

I’m no blood expert.  I’m not a male nurse or a surgeon.  But I know blood when I see it.  Now, maybe, I guess, if it’s old and in the dirt it might look like something else. Oil?  Chocolate?  So go ahead and touch it.  But that’s about when you know it’s blood.  Oil feels like, well, oil, and we’ve all felt melted chocolate.  Blood will be reddish and wet.  Possibly warm, if it’s a recent puddle.  Do you ever see Dexter Morgan whipping up a blood milkshake?  No, he doesn’t need a taste of it to know what it is.

Using your tongue to identify objects is retarded.  Have you previously tasted the material you’re licking?  Most of your ability to differentiate tastes comes from smell, ironically enough.  So you’re better off sniffing it.  But would you know the difference between the taste of blood and say, old battery acid?  Anti-freeze?  What oral fetish do you have that licking blood makes sense?  It makes even less sense when the blood is fresh and clearly blood.  Red, wet, warm, leading in a trail away from where the guy was in the general direction he was going.

I know I said this was about one thing, but let’s make it too.  Tasting blood is for action movies, tasting chocolate is for comedies.  Except our characters don’t know if it’s chocolate.  They think it might be a turd.  It could be a big hunk of poop or just a smear across a child’s face.  Rather than, I don’t know, sniffing it to see if it reeks of shit, they’ll give it a quick lick and pronounce “Chocolate!”  Then the straight man, or woman, inquires about the result if it had actually been poop.  Quit sticking shit (literally) in your mouth!  What is this supposed to prove?

Does a tracker licking blood prove he is a man?  Or an expert tracker?  Call me crazy, but I’d rather have the tracker that can look at and recognize blood rather than one that needs to get a good taste of hepatitis to be sure.  So just a call to all writers out there – stop having characters put shit in their mouths.  What are you trying to tell us about the character?  That he’s a weirdo?  Mission accomplished.  While I don’t know why everyone is so eager to put strange liquids and semi-solid brown stains in their mouths, I do know that the taste in my mouth is telling me I’m past my boiling point.

Can’t get enough of Robert Fure’s rants? Get them in real time on twitter: Twitter.com/RejectRobert. Also, check out the Boiling Point Archive.

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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