Hollywood has on several occasions done things in pairs. Skyline and Battle: LA. Volcano and Dante’s Peak. Debbie Does Dallas and Donnie Does Denver. Every time this happens we ask ourselves two questions: first, why? Second, which one was better?
In the grand history of competing, similarly plotted movies, no two films have ever inspired more conversation and debate than Deep Impact and Armageddon. This is ridiculous. Not because it’s a waste of time to debate movies like this, but because there is no debate. Armageddon makes Deep Impact look a pair of monkeys painted the world’s most boring book in baby shit and then populated it with a bunch of actors you remembered from other movies.
Armageddon is the vastly superior film and anyone who doesn’t recognize that sends me past my boiling point.
This isn’t just idle chatter. Let’s take a look at this on a point by point basis and you’ll see the irrefutable logic of this argument. Let’s start with the words on the page.
Writing: Jonathan Hensleigh & JJ Abrams (Armageddon) vs Bruce Joel Rubin & Michael Tolkin (Deep Impact)
If you’re wondering who the latter two writers are, me too. On the other hand, you probably immediately recognized the name JJ Abrams and if you’re awesome, you probably know that Jonathan Hensleigh made The Punisher and wrote The Saint, Jumanji, and Die Hard: With a Vengeance.
Plot: America Kicks an Asteroid’s Dick In Half (Armageddon) vs The Whole World Hides and Cries and Shit (Deep Impact)
Let’s face it, if an asteroid is heading towards Earth, who do you want calling the shots – someone who builds bunkers or someone who busts asteroids in half? Ain’t nothing more American than blowing up the shit that threatens you.
Director: Michael Bay (Armageddon) vs Mimi Leder (Deep Impact)
One of these directors brought us Megan Fox in slow-motion, the Transformers, Bad Boys II, and more fireballs than in all of Bowser’s castles combined. The other went on to Pay it Forward.
Seriously, it’s no contest. Michael Bay is one of the most visually interesting directors working today and has given so many adolescents so many different boners – from Victoria’s Secret commercials to robots cutting other robots in half. Everything Michael Bay does is AWESOME. And so is Verizon Fios.
Cast: Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thorton, William Fichtner, Peter Stormare, Steve Buscemi and Ben Affleck (Armageddon) vs Robert Duvall, Tea Leoni, Blair Underwood, Morgan Freeman, and Dougray Scott (Deep Impact)
Just go up there and read that again. One movie has Bruce Willis. The other has Blair Underwood.
So we had two movies with the same basic premise: a big rock was coming towards Earth. One movie played it for tears and made us all feel like pussies. The other revealed that we had top secret awesome shuttles that could dodge asteroid bits, latch onto space rocks, and penetrate those mother fuckers, shove nuclear bombs down their poop chutes, and blow them so perfectly in half that everyone on Earth could watch a piece of the world destroying asteroid sail by. It also hit major landmarks with rocks from space. Only one of these movies featured Steve Buscemi riding a NASA built space-machine gun. Only one of these movies revitalized Aerosmith which in turn lead to Steven Tyler being offered a judge spot on American Idol. Only one of these movies rocks your fucking face off. That movie is Armageddon.
So, as you can flawlessly see, the debate between Armageddon and Deep Impact has been settled. One is an awesome action flick, the other a potential porn title. When it comes to asteroids, I have only one official stance: fuck you, asteroids. Armageddon embodies that position fully and I fucking love it. When I come across anyone who thinks Deep Impact is better than Armageddon, you’re damn right I go past my boiling point.