Boiling Point: Classic Remakes

Every now and then I flip the coin and it lands heads down and I take a somewhat less than normal view of the world. Remakes. I’ve raged against them and surely many of you readers have, as well. But are they all bad? One of the first things out of someone’s mouth when it comes to a remake is “But the original is a classic!” No. Often times they’re not. They suck just as bad. Or worse.

Some of these movies deserve to be remade. There is a good movie hidden in piles of steaming celluloid sometimes. Any fans of Scarface here? Remake. John Carpenter’s The Thing? Remake. (Though if anyone tries to remake The Thing again as I often here rumor I will shit in their soup) And those are some tasty remakes.

In the horror world, especially, people tell me about these steaming pile of ass “classics” that are being remade. Maybe its a curse of my youth, but these movies suck. And I love bad horror movies. The Hills Have Eyes and The Hills Have Eyes 2? Those are some piles man. I appreciate what they did for the genre, but man those are poorly made movies. Especially the sequel. God damn! That movie smells. The Aja remake is better. Same story, just done well. The sequel to the remake is terrible. But still better than the first Eyes 2. Black Christmas was not that good. Neither was Black X-Mas but that story deserved another shot. Prom Night is coming out this weekend and it’s a remake. The original is over rated. It’s not that good. Jamie Lee Curtis is in it. Whoopee. The film deserves a remake.

By the way, Last House on the Left sucks too. So does The People Under the Stairs and most of Romero’s work, other than the zombie flicks (which I’ll get to). Quit idolizing your false prophets and realize everyone, even Romero and Craven, have to take dumps too, and sometimes those dumps end up on screen.

The original Texas Chainsaw Massacre is good. The remake is good. And has less bad acting fatties in a wheelchair whining the whole time and more Jessica Biel in a tight white, wet t-shirt. I own them both and watch the remake way more. Dawn of the Dead? Zack Snyder’s version makes the Romero version look like the automatic and unavoidable defecations that happens after you die while eating Taco Bell. Flame away, fan boys, but the original is boring, dated, full of barely veiled political missives (I get it, white people are assholes), and special effects that don’t hold up. The remake is in high gear with nitro burning in the tank. Hell yeah.

When the original When a Stranger Calls calls I hang up. Are you serious? The detective uses knitting needles as weapons. And his captain is ok with that. WhatTheFuck. The remake wasn’t good, but I’d rather watch those 90 minutes than the last 80 minutes of the original. The first 15 minutes were tense. The rest – atrocious.

So quit telling me about these “classic” films. Just because you liked it when you were 12 and it made your sister cry doesn’t mean it was good. In fact, it probably sucked. Yes, there are great movies that don’t need to be remade. Did Halloween need to be remade? No. But was the remake at least interesting? Yes. If you can look me in the eye and tell me that Friday the 13th 3 through 10 are good films, or the Nightmare on Elm Street sequels are genuinely good or that all of the Halloween movies after the second one are any good I will punch you in the face. Because those suck. They are not classic. Quit claiming as such.

Yes, it pisses me off that they remake everything. But don’t hate the remakes before you see them. They might end up being better than the originals. So shove “classic” where it don’t belong because I’m sick of someone telling me what is untouchable. Go with the damn flow and recognize that some of these movies DESERVE a remake. Hell its doing them a great justice to give them another shot when most are borderline unwatchable. Yet someone out there still calls it classic. Maybe everyone else really does the love the “classics” but I think they’re ass and I’m past my boiling point.


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