Boiling Point: Alien Invasion? More like FAILIEN INVASION AMIRITE?

Boiling PointScience Fiction has seen somewhat of a resurgence these past few years, bringing dozens of different aliens to Earth’s surface via cinema screens. Tom Cruise battled aliens in War of the Worlds, aliens broke down in South Africa over District 9, and more recently Transformers waged war on our planet, Los Angeles was invaded, and a subterranean alien was interrogated in a small town, only to escape.

No matter what year it happened, one thing is clear: when aliens come in peace, all is well. When they don’t, well, they’re the ones in for an ass whooping. Not that it makes much sense, considering alien species that manage to make it to Earth are often technologically advanced, super strong, intelligent, and sporting a massive boner for our resources, not to mention laser guns.

Despite all of this, when have aliens ever managed a successful takeover? Not only that – when have aliens ever managed to not look like completely retarded asshats, who pretty much design their own downfall as if they were Death Star engineers?

To back up my “aliens as idiots” theory, we’re going to take a look at a few attempted alien invasions and pinpoint the exact spot where the invasion went wrong, or what their ridiculously obvious weakness was.

Transformers Series

The Weakness: Autobots

The Decepticons are awesome. They’re gigantic, merciless, and armed to the teeth. You’d think they’d be able to successfully and violently take over just about anything. After all, they number in the dozens, if not hundreds, across the various movies. They probably would succeed too, if it weren’t for about 8 Autobots at a time. No matter the number of Decepticons or how many awesome space gunships they have, it only takes about 8 Autobots and the power of free will to defeat them.

The Faculty

The Weakness: Dehydration

As one of the sneakier alien races, these buggers attempted to slowly infiltrate our ranks by targeting, what else, a single High School. Makes sense, I guess, if you’re a dumb alien. A dumb alien with a pretty adverse reaction to dehydration. As humans, we’ll die in a few days from dehydration, but these “water-based” aliens take a single hit of speed and dry up quicker than a nun’s vagina on Sunday. (On Saturdays nuns are notoriously wet.)

War of the Worlds

The Weakness: Improper Ventilation

The aliens in this story deserve some credit – they kicked the shit out of Earthlings for weeks and had us on the run the whole time, thanks to their advanced technology. They spend much of their invasion safely in their ships and walkers, vaporizing people. In the business of space travel and vaporization, one thing you need is a great ventilation sytem – something the aliens have neglected, considering they are en masse infected by lowly bacteria, that ravages their biology and kills them quicker than RAID. With better ventilation, or a completely closed system, like what our spacebound explorers use, they would have completely dominated us.

Battle: Los Angeles

The Weakness: Gigantic Relay Stations

If the success of your operation is dependent upon lots and lots of drones, controlled remotely, you’d better take care of those relay stations. Now, you might be thinking “Hey, at least they hid it underground” but you’d be wrong – one of the relay stations in LA was underground. In news footage throughout, we see the relay stations floating everywhere. Like, in every major city they invade, just sitting there out in the open. The news anchors even report how those giant ships are seen in multiple places. Lacking shields and apparently lacking the ability to send their relay signals more than a few dozen miles (since every city needs one relay in the atmosphere, not floating up in space, safe) these easy targets spell the end of their invasion.

Independence Day

The Weakness: No Anti-Virus Program, Simplistic Computer Security

Another alien race that almost whipped the shit out of us – these guys came down and meant business, willy nilly blowing the shit out of everything. They would have kept blowing things up too, if only they could keep their shields up. They had a pretty good system too – one gigantic mothership sitting in orbit, the master of all, far from any prying human hands. Maybe that’s why the aliens, all safe and compliant, didn’t mind one single, short range fighter leaving Earth, abandoning its mothership and showing up early for dinner.

Let’s not forget that this particular fighter was 60 years old, probably an old variant or at least one that had been reported lost. Ignoring all that, once the humans were hardwired to the mothership, all it took was one nerd a few minutes to upload a virus that was apparently undetectable, undeletable, and written in an alien language and encoded to shut down the shields. How they knew how to write in alien or what system to target to take down the shields, we don’t know. But the likelihood of this is about on par with an American Indian from the year 1427 stumbling about a Russian KGB super computer and getting it to detonate all the Soviet Nuclear Missiles. Because the ID4 aliens apparently have the coding skills of children with crayons.


The Weakness: The Planet Earth

No seriously. You knew this was going to be on the list and “water” is one big fucking weakness. But it goes beyond water. The entire planet Earth is poisonous to these aliens who thought they could show up and then walk around with no protection what-so-ever. If the water didn’t get them, Herpes or Influenza probably would have, but no, these aliens are fucking morons. First up, 70% of the Earth’s surface is SUPER POISON ACID to them. Flesh melting acid. Everywhere. Oceans. Lakes. Rivers. Streams. Flowing into every home in America via little faucets. On sale in little plastic bottles. Composing most of our bodies.

Also, let’s not forget, falling from the sky. Rain. Snow. Sleet. You know what humidity is? The amount of moisture in the air – aka the amount of fucking flesh eating poison in the air. To put this in perspective, these aliens saw a planet that was 70% flesh melting acid, with flesh melting acid falling from the sky, inhabited by a race of beings that DRINK FLESH MELTING ACID EVERY DAY, and said “Yeah, we’d like to live there.”

The moral of the story? Aliens, for all their advanced technology, are idiots who can’t hold their own in a fight, or even avoid a planet that is entirely composed of poison.

So come on, filmmakers, let’s get on this. Let’s craft an alien invasion force that isn’t operating on a third grade level tactically. You can craft a weakness without having it be a giant, glaring, Death Star vent-sized one. Because everyone awesome alien invasion that ends with a head-scratchingly stupid weakness pushes me past my boiling point.

Drink some water and read more Boiling Point

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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