Moving from one year into the next, it’s easy and expected for us to look back on the previous three hundred and sixty five days and talk about what we did and didn’t like that year. But that’s too easy. That’s too small. No, I’m a bigger asshole than that. I’m going to look into the future, into 2011, and come up with 10 things that I’m going to hate, sight unseen.
Certainly something will come up between now and then- in fact, there will probably be many things that I’ll hate this year that I can’t possibly predict at this moment. And sure, maybe one of these movies will surprise me and be great or my predictions will be off. But right now, I don’t care and odds are I won’t care at the end of the year. Because I don’t care. I hate.
10. Transformers: Dark of the Moon Criticisms. Michael Bay just can’t get a break from the critical world. As an unapologetic fan of his work and a supporter of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I’m looking forward to the third installment. What I’m not looking forward to is all the critics shitting on it as it makes a ton of money and then pointing out that it didn’t make as much money as the previous installment – which it probably won’t.
9. X-Men: First Class. I haven’t really liked an X-Men movie yet. The way to fix the franchise to me is not to go backwards and younger, but rather older and more mature. This will be yet another comic based disappointment.
8. Beastly. This movie doesn’t make sense. I mean, what plausible explanation is there in the real world for this guy to look like that? It’s not like he was turned into a real burn victim or something. I mean, this guy really is an unnatural freak. Why push the transformation so ridiculously far?
7. The Smurfs. Just because I refuse to “get Smurfed.”
6. Straw Dogs Remake. While I’m not immediately anti-remake, this film will probably add nothing to the original and probably end up as a watered down version of the original.
5. Mother’s Day. If this movie gets released in 2011, I’m pretty sure it’ll be one of my most hated movies of the year, considering I was one of the few to see it in 2010 and absolutely hated it.
4. Twilight Saga Hatred. I’m on record as firmly not giving a shit about anything related to Twilight other than defending fans for their right to be fans. In our hearts, we’re all fat kids with beards wearing nerdy T-shirts, not so different from barely pubescent girls wearing Team Jacob shirts. Let fans be fans and fuck off.
3. Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son. Are you fucking shitting me? How are they still making these movies? I hope the fat suit bubble bursts so we can avoid ever watching a movie like this again.
2. Glee. As long as this show is on TV, I will hate it. I will hate it always. You know why? Because it is irredeemably shitty and unwatchable.
1. Celebrity Death Reactions. There is nothing like the death of a celebrity to get people to talk about that one movie they remember that one actor from. I was a huge Leslie Nielsen fan, and as such knew more than just his performance in Airplane! and didn’t make any “Shirley” jokes. When Pete Postlethwaite passed, everyone remembered Romeo + Juliet, a single role in a long and varied career. People also pretend that the passing of a celebrity washes away the fact that they were perhaps bad people (Michael Jackson) or that maybe they just weren’t that good or important. Sure, every death is sad for those that know the person, but let’s remember – you have no idea who the fuck these people really are or what they were actually like. They are not your friends, so spare us the gushing and the bullshit. Your life is no different.
So these are the things I think I’ll hate in 2011. I think I will continue to hate V, a pale imitation of the great original mini-series. I was thinking I might hate Piranha 3 DD since the first one was a waste of time, but I’m a fan of John Gulager, so I’m going to give it a shot.
What will you hate this year?