Boiling Point

Dear Creepy Advisory Weirdos,

First and foremost I would like to thank you for your willingness to offer advice and commend you on your steadfastness in courting danger everyday by continuing to live in areas most of us consider haunted, damned, or forbidden. Yes, Weirdos, this letter is for you denizens of the Hollywood horror film with all your broken teeth, matted hair, and sour dispositions.

I know it can’t be easy being you. After all, the townspeople generally seem to have a strong disdain for your continued residence in the area. They’d rather you move off, or perhaps preferably, fall victim to the unknown horror you’re always warning the new kids about. Your reputation around town is the stuff of legend. Embarrassing, creepy legend. Indeed, you must be made of strong stuff, suffering the slings and looks of your fellow townspeople whenever you’re around and when you’re not, you’re living in squalid shack-conditions out in the wilderness.

As bad as things are, weird guy, that’s not the worst of it.What is, you ask? Oh who am I kidding, you’re not asking. You’re actually quite terrible at communicating. You don’t listen to others – did you ever think that’s why people choose not to listen to you? If you did, you’re wrong.

The reason why no one listens to your strange ramblings has nothing to do with the young, sexy tourists who just arrived but everything to do with your weird ass advice and the way you present it. I mean, really man, what the fuck are you trying to say and why can’t you just come right out and say it?

It is clear that on some level you want to do good. You want to warn people of the slasher in the woods, the rapist hillbilly, the forgotten cryptid, or the ancient evil lurking deep in an abandoned whatever. And let me tell you, people generally want to avoid being raped, stabbed, slashed, mauled, murdered, and soul-sucked. You’d think that would make a great pairing – people not wanting to get murdered and you there trying to tell them how not to get murdered.

Yet, here we are, in the year 2012 and still young teens are still being cut down in their prime, high on dope and sex. We must ask, and you must ask yourself, why are these kids ignoring your warnings?

Cabin in the Woods Creepy Advisory Guy

The answer is simple: you give advice and warnings in the weirdest, most non-sensical way. You make people ignore you. You are packed to the brim with crazy and it’s getting kids killed. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Clearly something has messed you up – okay. Sorry. I’m sorry that someone slashed your parents or some mythical beast at your kids. But you’re not helping the situation all. I can’t believe this is your best effort. At some point you were a functioning human being and we need to get you back to that position.

The intent of this letter is not to disparage you, but something must be said. You need to step up your warning game and speak in plain as day language. Rather than say “stay out of the woods” why not say “Hey, there is a long history of a homicidal maniac killing people out there.” I get that you can’t say a dream demon slaughters kids in their sleep without coming off weird (you already do, though) but there are plenty of things you can actually warn us about. Instead of saying them, they, it, or whatever, just twist whatever the truth is and put in words we can understand. There’s some sort of unknown creature eating whoever goes into the mines? Say it’s an animal. A cougar. Something. Also – call the cops, or the national guard, or whoever. Again – they won’t take you seriously if you say mutants raped your parents, but if you say some hillbilly family is abducting kids and impregnating women? That gets taken seriously.

The simplest way to put this is that your inability to stop being a weird-ass for just five minutes is killing kids and every time your shitty non-sensical mumbling advice gets some kids killed, I go past my boiling point. So please, for the love of whatever, start making sense.

Sincerely,

Robert Fure

Post Script: This is obviously a fun Halloween letter, kids, but seriously – what’s the point of a creepy warning character these days? The audience knows the badness is coming and all these weird characters serve to do is make us wonder why they’re so weird? Wouldn’t it be more effective if some character gave a real, plain as day warning that our protagonists ignored? At least then it’s their fault. But who would ever take a gap toothed mumbling drunk seriously? No one. So what’s the point? Sure, those characters were fun, and they still can be, but for the most part, horror has outgrown them.

Happy Halloween!

Read More Boiling Point


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