Editor’s Note: This article has what you might call SPOILERS and should not be read by anyone.
Despite coming in number one for the weekend with a reported haul north of $30 million, likely surpassing its budget, there is little love out there for the Platinum Dune’s relaunch of A Nightmare on Elm Street. Whether they were super fans of the original or preferred their gloved killers to crack wise instead of cracking skulls, a lot of people seemed to have a problem with the remake. But not me. This horror hound and self-professed expert on horror (I’m also a self-professed expert on love making, terminal ballistics, and fajitas) totally dug the film. You know the deal, here are 10 things I rocked out on and 5 things that left me cold.
10 Things I Liked
10. The New Look
While perhaps not as openly cool as the original design for the dream demon, I liked the new look and its basis in reality. Is it the face of a monster? No. But is it the face you’d have after some parents doused you in kerosene and set your face on fire? Yes.
9. The Run Time
I bitch and moan a lot of about the run time of movies, but A Nightmare on Elm Street nails it at 90 minutes on the dot.
8. Immediate Action
The film wastes no time in spilling some blood and from then on out, there is always something Krueger-related just around the corner. I thought the film kept up a good pace throughout.
7. MILFs on Elm Street
Connie Briton and Lia Mortensen play the moms of Nancy and Kris, and both are hot. If it weren’t for the Springwood Slasher I’d consider moving there to hang out with these ladies.
6. Great Cinematography
As expected with the always technically proficient Platinum Dunes crew, the film is wonderful to look at. The flick is slick, and the dream sequences are stylish.
5. Katie Cassidy
She plays the ill-fated Kris but gets a surprising amount of screen-time and fills it with being really attractive. Yes, I’m shallow.
4. No Insane Dreams
The first flick wasn’t known for having the insane nightmares (giant worms eating people, human cockroaches) but the later sequels pushed the limit on nutty nightmares. This film took the less is more approach and kept the nightmares sane.
3. Krueger is a Dirty Pedophile
How do you take a child killer and make him a more loathsome creature? Simple – have him molest the kids before he cuts them.
2. Nasty Language
Freddy has always been known for his admiration and use of the word “bitch,” his go to curse, but this go around his mouth turns downright nasty in the last 15 minutes of the film as he peppers his victims with obscenity.
1. Freddy Krueger is a Mother Fucker
Seriously, this guy couldn’t get any meaner. First, he molests and tortures children. Then, as a dream killer, he ends their lives. If that wasn’t enough, he uses dreams to lure the kids back to the site of his crimes and frees their repressed memories. The kids had forgotten they were raped and abused so Krueger reminds them, then tells them to fuck off and he tries to murder them. This dude is an asshole.
5 Things I Didn’t Like
5. No Crazy Dreams
How can it be both good and bad? Simple – some of the sequels were cool. I would have liked to have seen some elements of the nastier dreams come into play.
4. Nancy is Tardy
Nancy, the heroine, is in the first scene, but then takes a 20 minute hiatus as we stay with Kris. If you’re going to be the star, you might want to be in the first act.
3. No Boobs
The Nightmare series isn’t known for its boobs – as far as I can definitely remember, there is a pair in NOES5 and two pair in Freddy vs Jason. This movie could have done the right thing and shown us some ta-tas.
2. Not Enough Tongue
For a confirmed pedophile in this (I suspect Krueger always was a pedo), he only has a few sexually based quips and attacks. Taking a cue from the sequels, he should have used his tongue as a weapon or at least made some more crude gestures.
1. No Face Ripping
In the original, I think my favorite moment is when Tina tries to defend herself against Krueger and rips his face off, revealing a laughing skeleton.
I’m more than happy to go against the grain on this one. I’ve enjoyed the majority of the Platinum Dunes remakes and this one was no exception – in fact, it might be their best. Definitely ranks among their top two. If you’re in the mood for an effective jump-scare type movie with one hell of an asshole tearing it up in the final act, I recommend you check this out. Meanwhile, sleep tight.
What did you think of the new Nightmare on Elm Street?