IntroObjects

There’s probably no funnier first-world fear than thinking your stuff might come alive and try to kill you. Then again, pretty much the entire horror genre is based around exploiting ridiculous irrational fears – it’s just that some fears are a little more irrational than others. Your toaster isn’t out to get you.

To celebrate that, here are some of the most innocuous, completely stupid objects that horror films have found a way to demonize (successfully even!):

8. Christine – Killer Cars

Christine

Technically speaking, cars are kind of terrifying murderers – but only when there’s someone attached to them. That is, unless you accidentally leave the emergency brake off and it rolls into a baby carriage or something horrible like that. Point is that they certainly don’t chase people down alleyways, right?

Then again, we’re getting those smart cars now – so maybe they can chase people down alleyways at this point. Maybe Stephen King and John Carpenter are prophets. I mean – he kind of nailed it with They Live, so maybe we should fear cars as inanimate killers. Number eight withdrawn.

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7. The Wig (Gabal) – Wigs

TheWig

Yeah, it’s a movie about an evil haunted wig – the hair of which belonging to a jilted lover. Along with creating your standard longhaired ghost, this wig also makes whoever wears it go bonkers. The hilarious end game is when the wig grows to enormous size and launches an attack, only to be thwarted by fire.

While that last part is a little over the top, I have come to discover that a wig can potentially kill its owner – so maybe the fear here isn’t all that unfounded after all. I guess I’ll have to withdraw number seven as well.

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6. The Mangler – A Laundry Press

Mangler

It takes a butt load of gumption to assert that a laundry machine is possessed by demons, and even more to later blame the possession on antacids. Still, when you’re right, you’re right – but boy it would have been better to be wrong – especially at the revelation that a giant factory folder can up and walk.

Of course, putting aside the hundreds of thousands of factory deaths that happen in China alone, it’s silly to think that a machine would come to you. That is, unless it’s a vending machine – which technically kill more people per year than sharks. So I guess this is a valid fear after all. Six withdrawn.

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5. Prince Of Darkness & The Evil Dead II – Mirrors

PrinceMirrors

While the first Evil Dead gave us the ever ominous Exorcist-style stopping clock, in the sequel there was far less subtlety. Lamps, books, and pretty much everything in the room just up and trolled our hero character until he relented. Not to mention his mirrored image straight up grabbing him through the glass. Similarly, Prince Of Darkness took this to the next level, turning a mirror into a portal to hell.

Meanwhile in the real world, we all know that mirrors are totally harmless… at least until one falls on you and kills you. So maybe… okay, I guess they have a point with this one. Number five retracted.


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