4. Activists Open An Infected Monkey Cage in 28 Days Later
Of course it would be animal activists that end up killing us all. That said, they did… technically do the animal kingdom a favor by taking their number one threat down a peg or two.
If someone tells you not to open a cage with an infected monkey in it, and you open the case with the infected monkey in it anyway… you deserve whatever that infected monkey does to you. It’s just math.
3. Louis Never Learns From His Mistakes in Pet Sematary
Lesson number one to any horror film is that if a dead guy is adamantly warning you against something you should probably listen. In fact, as a blanket rule: always listen to the dead guy because he probably has something interesting to say.
Beyond that, I understand Louis burying his kid in the cemetery even though the cat came back a soulless and violent shell of itself because that’s how most cats act anyway. But after that it doesn’t really matter how fresh the corpse is or how bereaved you are – you gotta stop burying people in the cursed cemetery. And yet after his kid goes evil, he tries it again with his wife and gets his ass stabbed.
Resurrect a loved one as a demon shell once, shame on them. Resurrect a loved one as a demon shell twice, shame on you.
2. Darry Convinces Trish To Go Back in Jeepers Creepers
It’s almost painfully difficult to give a shit about a character’s well-being when not ten minutes into the film they encounter a giant man dumping a sheet-wrapped body into a pipe before running them off the road and then somehow decide that they should go back and investigate in case that obviously dead person is still alive. It’s even worse when those characters are two teenagers completely ill-equipped to handle themselves, and they earn extra points if the smarter one completely maps out the obvious next step of finding a phone and is then convinced to do the opposite.
And yet, this is what Jeepers Creepers thinks will sell us their plot, because apparently the writers think we’re as stupid as Darry.
1. Deputy U.S. Marshal Carrie Stetko Forgets How To Be A Cop in Whiteout
There might be some debate as to whether this counts as a terrible horror film; it could simply be regarded as a terrible action thriller. The situation, however, is classic slasher when a masked guy with a pickaxe starts murdering people on a deserted station in Antarctica. Kate Beckinsale’s character – an experienced U.S. Marshal from Miami – is left to take down this madman.
How, you might ask, does she do this? By running away like a 16-year-old horror movie babysitter. Seriously, the film follows a U.S. Fucking Marshal as she spends half the film running and frantically closing doors on an imposing guy with an axe – even though she has a goddamn gun. After the first time she runs away like a Muppet you’re pretty much counting the minutes until she will hopefully die. That time never comes.
And what are your favorite walking boners of the horror genre? Do tell.