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It’s silly to think that the outcome of Sunday’s Academy Awards is going to somehow change anything about the films nominated, just like it is silly to get any kinds of worked up about it unless you yourself happen to be up for an award.

Really, the fun of the Oscars is watching all those unquenchable egos sitting under one roof, patting each other on the back in the form of golden naked men. So in the honor of emotional extremity, let us look back on the greater award show moments in films – some of which portraying the very ceremony they hope to be a part of.

8. Jon Voight Loses to Tugg Speedman in Tropic Thunder

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It’s kind of sad; judging from the screen shot of the film Jon Voight lost with, it could have been a really passionate role. That said, I’m more curious about the picture that looks like Sean Penn reading Braille.

Anyone else notice that in terms of humor and quality, Ben Stiller films double the moment he gets the director’s chair? And yet it only happens about once a decade, like a beautiful comet or a season of The Venture Brothers. What’s going on with that? Why is it that when we hear the term “Ben Stiller movie” we assume Night At The Museum, when really the films that are truly “his” are things like The Cable Guy and Zoolander?

What’s the deal with that guy? I like to imagine him locked away in a studio water tower like the Animanics, only let out to do shitty movies with the promise that if he’s really good they’ll let him direct.

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7. Nick Reve Wins Best Film Ever Made by a Human Being in Living In Oblivion

It’s every independent director’s dream to win the coveted “Best Film Ever Made By A Human Being” golden apple award. Or is that a pepper? Also, more acceptance speeches need to be in the form of a big “Fuck You.” Can you imagine Meryl Streep dedicating her Oscar to the cab driver that almost hit her 3 years prior, or a shitty hotdog she ate while drunk?

Anyone who has seen this knows the best part of this sequence, which shows each member of the crew diving into their own little fantasy during the final 30 second recording of room tone during a film shoot. While most drift away to elaborate futures, the gaffer’s fantasy shows only the eating of a tasty hamburger, and the simple enjoyment that comes with it.

Positioned entirely on achieving a single shot, this is by far the best film about trying to make films.

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6. Frank Gets Snubbed at the Ending of The Oscar

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You can’t be mad at losing to Frank Sinatra, dude; he’s The Voice for Pete’s sake! You can check this baby out on YouTube, or just read the following spoiler about it…

It’s a neat idea – a series of flashbacks, all leading to the present moment of this one actor being nominated for a Best Actor award. The catch is that the role in question, that of an insatiable prick, didn’t require much of a stretch. It becomes clear throughout the film that this guy pretty much assholed his way to the top, and is now soaking in the much-undeserved splendor of it all.

The ending is expected, as when he is excited to hear his first name “Frank” called, the last name turns out to be not his own. Personally – I think it should have ended with him winning, because otherwise it feels like a way too long moral tale that no one needed to watch. Had he won it would have been much darker, and way less expected.

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5. Steve Earns His Award in The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou

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Wes Anderson is like Quentin Tarantino in that his films are almost as great as his fans are annoying. You could never homage his films because his films already homage films before it. To quote Jeff Daniels in Looper, “The movies that you’re dressing like are just copying other movies.” This hipster nonsense is the basis for why films like that new Charles Swan III is crashing and burning – too much style and not enough story.

Anderson, however, has no problem with story. His style, however, is like cilantro: strong and encompassing, but if you don’t like the taste of it, it’s going to ruin the entire meal. Personally, though, I’m a big fan of both Anderson and cilantro.

Anyhoo – smoking a joint with your fish award. Pretty sure he leaves it on the stairs when he gets up too, which is a pretty awesome detail for the character.

Read on!


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