President Walter Emerson – Deterrence

This guy…off the hook, this guy. While I can’t condone his techniques, in a single hour he manages to turn America from diplomatic superpower to crazy strong guy who might shiv you in prison. His message is clear – don’t mess with us, because we be nuts.

His method? Dropping a 100-megaton bomb on the city of Baghdad in response to Iraq invading Kuwait. Yeah. No peace talks, no tactical military action…just a big ol’ reset button on every man, woman, and child in Iraq’s capital city. So, yeah…aside from his cigar smoking, this entry is less about the “badass” and more about the “crazy.”
And yet, the real coup de grace has yet to even come – for when the Iraqis retaliate with a doomsday-level 23-missile nuclear strike to various cities around the world, not a single one detonates. You see, the U.S. had apparently been working through France to arm the Iraqi government with nuclear duds for just such an occasion. It’s something that Emerson knows about the whole damn time.

This means that all the fear, the back and forth threats, the worldwide nuclear panic, all of it could have gone away if this dude just opened his mouth. But no, he wanted it to be a surprise. God damn.

President Thomas J. Whitmore – Independence Day

There was no choice in including Whitmore to the list. You can’t blow up aliens and not be counted as one of the most badass fake presidents. What makes him go above and beyond is that even if he never got out of his chair for the whole damn film he’d still be a massive hero. But of course, Whitmore did much more than that – he went up there, in a freaking jet, and went after those stupid aliens.

This was not only huge on his part, but also a pretty big failure on the secret service’s behalf. Had I been Whitmore I would have fired every single one of those guys the moment I landed. Seriously, way to protect the president, people.

Anyway – you saw the film, you know the score. Hey – let’s talk about something new. Anyone hear anything about the ID4 sequel? According to Dean Devlin, the writer and producer of the first film, they are shitting out a script this very moment.

Personally, I can’t wait. The beauty of Roland Emmerich is that his films never disappoint – mainly because they don’t demand high expectations in the first place, but whatever.

President Frankenstein – Death Race 2000

There should be a law that exempts every president in office from being charged with vehicular homicide so long as they are actually driving the car and not just being chauffeured. Obviously the immunity would be lifted once they leave office, but I think it would really change the face of the people who’d run. There’d be a lot of new third party candidates who clearly just want to take a life.

Failing that, we should at least aim to have a president named Frankenstein sometime in the next few decades. I mean – how nifty would that be? Extra points if he wears a gimp mask.

You know that the system is broken when someone becomes president simply by hitting the last president with his car. That’s probably the laziest process you could ever come up with.

How does that even work? Is there some blanket policy where if you kill the commander-in-chief you automatically take his job? Or did they all just shrug and elect the nearest person at the time who, in this case, happened to be the guy who killed the president? It just seems like they are missing an obvious step along the way here.

President James Marshall (of course) – Air Force One

Yeah. Lists like these are always so frustrating when there’s one clear winner from the start. It takes away all the fun of making it because there’s very little choice involved in the number one spot. I mean…he breaks Gary Oldman’s neck and throws him off a plane…all after saying, “Get off my plane.” There’s no topping that, ever.

What I want to know is how the rest of the presidency went. Think about it – the last president to ever kill a person while in office was probably Andrew Jackson, and that guy was freaking Buffalo Bill crazy. How are the people going to handle a president that not only took a life, but several? And best of all, he did it like a lunatic! Seriously – who is going to run against the guy who single-handedly murdered his way through a plane? How do you even oppose his policies at that point?

His Hall Of Presidents animatronic at Disney probably doesn’t even give a speech, but rather just stands there for three minutes staring coldly at the audience.


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