Oh, Jason. No matter what we do, we can’t seem to get away from you. Perhaps it’s because you’re impossible to kill or maybe it’s because Hollywood is out of ideas. Either way, you are back on screen slashing through horny teenagers like it’s your source of income. Well congratulations, because you have the only recession-proof job out there.
Since you’re back on screen in Friday the 13th, we settled in to check out your newest murderous exploits and ended up learning a few things. In no particular order:
If Transformers Were Rated R, Michael Bay Would Have Megan Fox Nude Constantly
Michael Bay loves simple things. Gasoline, gun powder, explosives. Know what else he loves? Female nudity. He made no attempt at being subtle with Megan Fox’s sexuality in Transformers, and while playing Producer for Friday the 13th, he makes great use of a three pairs of breasts in this one. So, if Transformers 2 was rated R…
Jason Voorhees Is Saving the Planet By Going Green
Apparently Camp Crystal Lake still has running electricity…but is abandoned. Jason definitely wouldn’t get away with these murders if he were paying utility bills…even with paperless billing. So I’m guessing he has to have either solar or wind powered generators on the campgrounds. I wonder if he drives green, too.
If You Are Going To Die, Have Sex First
I learned from watching horror movies that I never feel bad for the couples that die after having sex. I always feel bad for the ones who died after not having sex, though. Is it because they are more innocent, and deserve to be felt sorry for? No. It’s because they died without having sex with some really hot chicks in movies like these. Also, if you aren’t smart enough to get away…get naked first. Do us a favor.
Stealing Weed Isn’t Cool, Man
We learn from this film that its okay to buy weed, smoke weed, sell weed or even grow weed. However, you just don’t steal weed. Jason literally kills everyone who tries to steal weed. It could be this…he does live green, maybe he smokes green too. Don’t even risk bogarting. Find a reliable dealer who doesn’t wield a machete, and you might be safe.
Jason Voorhees Has Never Seen “Roots”
Now I know this is a reboot, and you can argue that Jason Voorhees is mentally challenged and all. But I am willing to say he has only seen and been around white people. The reason for this is, as you will find out, as soon as Jason sees the film’s token African American character…he seems startled. Taken aback. Completely baffled. In fact, he’s so startled and confused that Lawrence is the only character to get a few good hits on him.
Nice People Finish Last and Get Stabbed to Death
It’s a horror movie. A killer is chasing you. There is an exit that can only fit one person at a time. There are three of you. Why in the world would you ever volunteer to be the last one out? Stop being nice and grow some balls. Otherwise, you can now proudly sport a machete laceration. Shove anyone out of the way, even a hot chick…it’s all irrelevant when your life is on the line.
Jason Knows You Never Go Full Retard
From the words of the great Kirk Lazarus, “you never go full retard.” Jason Voorhees was supposed to be mentally challenged in the original. I mean, you could tell. He could barely walk any faster than an old person can grasp digital television change-over. So when getting rebooted, Jason does his best to make the most out of the opportunity. He looked so good he could charm the pants off of Richard Nixon, and maybe even win a ping-pong competition.