It’s early, so you probably haven’t slapped your forehead with the palm of your hand yet. That’s okay. That’s what we’re here for.
The talent agency ICM has signed on Wham-O Toys, which can only mean one thing: the entire company is going to start acting.
Or it means that they’re going to start prepping their properties for movie adaptations. Slip ‘N Slide: The Movie may be hosing off your front porch and annoying your eco-friendly neighbors soon enough.
Measuring the absurdity of this news can’t be done with known scientific tools, so our only logical response is to go ahead and pitch our ideas for how the movies should be. Shockingly, Cole Abaius and Rob Hunter had nothing better to do and were up to the task.
Here they are. Six plots for six dumb movies that will probably get made because product placement is shorthand for “story” now.
Trac-Ball: The Movie
The Pitch: In this touching drama, two Jai alai players (Robert Pattinson and Forrest Whitaker) are banned from the league for using steroids and are forced to fall back on a community Trac-Ball league that they join using fake names. They learn a lot about each other (set to a soundtrack by Josh Groban) and eventually win over the hearts of the other players by leading a charge against the city council which wants to ban all games of catch being played on the beach. The film’s final, heartbreaking moment comes when Pattinson’s character reunites with his father and asks if he wants “a catch.” -CA
Super Ball: The Movie
The Pitch: The Farrelly Brothers make their first foray into the comic book hero genre with this tale of a ball from outer space that crash lands on Earth and attaches itself to an unsuspecting baby boy. The child is abandoned after his birth parents realize he has a third testicle, but a kindly old couple take him in and raise him as their own. He grows up to become a mild mannered reporter, but when trouble looms he removes his glasses pulls his third ball out through his pants zipper, and uses his extratesticular powers to fight crime. -RH
Super Stuff: The Movie
The Pitch: Much like the remake of The Blob by Rob Zombie that nobody wants, Super Stuff focuses on a small rubber-like mass that is found in the middle of a burning hole in the ground after a meteor shower. The young boy that finds the “toy” plays with it, taunts it, and ultimately the Super Stuff gets angry – using telekinesis to blow up houses and small cafes until the entire town is terrified of its destructive powers. The government is called in, but does the Super Stuff even have a weakness to exploit? How will they ever survive? They probably won’t! -CA
Frisbee: The Movie
The Throw: Butch (Justin Bieber) is a down-on-his-luck teen from the wrong side of the tracks whose only relief from the harsh reality of life is the time he spends playing Frisbee with his dog, Baby. The duo’s plans for winning the Ultimate Frisbee Trick competition are dashed when Baby is killed in a drive-by shooting. A distraught Butch stumbles upon an odd looking Frisbee complete with lights and tiny windows and discovers it’s actually a UFO. Can Butch’s mad Frisbee skills combined with the advanced alien technology help him win the competition, break free of poverty, and maybe even resurrect Baby? Never. Say. Never! -RH
Hula Hoop: The Movie
The Pitch: When struggling business graduate Norville Barnes (played by Tim Robbins) is tapped to become the President of Hudsucker Industries, he unwittingly creates the toy craze of the century when he draws a circle on a piece of poster board. The public goes apey for it, but the inner turmoil of the company still brews underneath their soaring profits. -CA
Slip ‘N Slide: The Movie
The Pitch: Slip (Nathan Kress) is having a bad day that starts with trouble at school and ends with his father grounding him, but when his best friend Slide (Jennette McCurdy) decides to throw a party to celebrate her parents being out of town things go from bad to over the top. Slip sneaks out to the party and has a wild and crazy night filled with school bullies, the girl of his dreams, and a fresh new dance move that involves throwing yourself to the ground and violently sliding across wet plastic. -RH
This shit’s all going to hit theaters at some point. We’d bet money on it.
Which one do you want to see first?