Life is tough. Work is a pointless dead end of major egos playing in a world of small stakes, dragging your soul down to the ground. Your family gives you hell because they thought you’d live up to more of your potential. That person you love doesn’t love you back, and the person you can’t stand is stalking you, leaving dead rodents on your doorstep*.
You need something to take the edge off, something to calm you down, something to make you crave Funyuns for no particular reason. Luckily, we have just the thing: a list of movie characters!
So it maybe wasn’t the botanical remedy you thought we were talking about, but this is going to have to do. It’s also going to have to do that the list is only comprised of ten characters instead of four-hundred and twenty. It would have been much longer, but I feel way too lazy right now. For no particular reason. Except for the weed I smoked earlier.
So without further ado, here’s the list of 10 Movie Characters that Need Some Marijuana:
10. William ‘D-Fens’ Foster from Falling Down (1993)
The Prescription: D-Fens needs to chill the hell out. To be fair, it sucks that he lost his job, it’s the hottest day of the year, and his wife has a restraining order out against him. However, if the guy feels the need to go on a killing spree after being stuck in a traffic jam, getting charged too much for a soda, and arriving too late to order breakfast at Whammy Burger – rolling up some blueberry hyrdo may have made everyone’s day a little bit brighter in Los Angeles. This guy is the poster child for dropping your problems in an ash tray if there ever was one.
9. Regan MacNeil from The Exorcist (1973)
The Prescription: For all of the widespread scientific and anecdotal evidence of Marijuana’s fantastic effect on tempering nausea, it’s down right shocking that Father Merrin didn’t pack some schwag in his bag. Not only would it have definitely saved on everyone’s dry cleaning bill, but since weed can also dampen sexual drive, it might have stopped poor Regan from doing the unspeakable with that crucifix. Plus, who wouldn’t want to see an embodied demon toked up?
8. Dr. Bruce Banner from Hulk (2003) and The Incredible Hulk (2008)
The Prescription: This is a no-brainer, yet for some reason, Banner tries everything else to stave off turning into a giant, violent menace except rolling a J. If he’s really all that interested in calming himself down to avoid killing innocent civilians, the good doctor should realize that the best way to avoid going green is to go green. Although the main side effect would give him the munchies – and you wouldn’t like him when he’s hungry.
7. Blind Mag from Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)
The Prescription: I admit that I’m no doctor, but it seems logical that if herb can help with glaucoma, it should be able to cure all-out blindness. That’s not a fantastic logical leap is it? At any rate, it might make her not care that she’s blind, and if she doesn’t care about being blind, there’s no need for her to owe her entire life to an evil corporation that keeps her in a golden cage. Everyone’s a winner – except The Man.
6. Smeagol/Gollum from The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)
The Prescription: There is nothing wrong with a little bit of healthy envy or desire. When it drives you to murder, drives you from your home and transforms you from a relatively happy humanoid-esque character into a raving lunatic that looks like E.T. mated with an Italian Greyhound – you’ve moved beyond the pale. Funny how all of that could have been avoided by sparking up. The pot could have calmed him down, might have even helped with those giant eyeballs, and I guarantee that someone in the shire had to be growing mota somewhere.
5. The Narrator from Fight Club (1999)
The Prescription: Working out before bed time? Chewing Valerian root? His doctor clearly had no idea what he was talking about. Loading a bong would have tired him out enough to fall asleep without having an alter-ego take over for him. Plus, if he made it a habit, eventually he’d be less into buying fancy home furnishings and more into raiding thrift stores for second-hand couches and H.R. Pufnstuf-themed paper plates. And, let’s face it, his boring job would have ceased to be a problem, although he probably would have still ended up writing all those haikus and hallucinating.
4. Roger Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988)
The Prescription: He’s on the lam after being suspected of murder, but that just doesn’t excuse his wacky behavior. Anyone who busts through a solid wall just to finish the verse to Shave and a Haircut needs to take a deep breath, count backward from ten, and then take another deep breath of sticky green smoke. The only difficulty with the solution would be finding animated pot, but if Toon Town has a talking bullet with a mustache and sombrero, I imagine an artist saw fit to include a dealer hanging out on Acme Alleyway.
3. The ADHD Karate Kid from Smokin’ Aces (2006)
Ailment: Being fucking crazy
The Prescription: Why is he talking like that? Why is he throwing punches? Why does he have an erection? I don’t know the answers to any of these questions, but I’m pretty damned sure that pot could have helped.
2. Howard Beale from Network (1976)
The Prescription: Being pissed off about being laid off or downsized is natural, but Beale should have traded being mad as hell for being high as hell. Now that I think about it, pretty much everyone from that movie could have used some dank, but Beale takes it to the limit by embodying the frustration of an entire nation of people.
1. Adolf Hitler from a Ton of Movies
Ailment: Anger/Delusions of Grandeur/Genocide
The Prescription: Hitler may have been a real life asshole, but he’s also been fictionally portrayed in a ton of films. He’s appeared in films as varied as Downfall, The Last Ten Days, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and What Did You Do in the War Daddy? just to name a tiny fraction, and I think we can all agree that that bastard should have toked up on the regular. Seriously. It would have made the world a much better place.
*Leaving dead rodents on your doorstep is, according to the Mental Health Community, also know as “The Crazy Man’s Wedding Proposal.”