6. Bell in Cannibal! The Musical – Refusing To Die (Pt 2)
This is how I want to die. My motto is: if you don’t go out traumatizing everyone in the room then you didn’t go out right. The easiest way to accomplish that is blind, undying rage – and if you can’t do that, at least throw some firecrackers around the room right as you see the white light.
Cannibal! The Musical is one of those films I loved as a teenager, but became genius the older I got. For example – the first time I saw Gordon MacRae perform “Oh What A Beautiful Mornin’” in Oklahoma and realized exactly where “Shpadoinkle” came from. Film education, people! It works.
5. The Alien in Predator – Laughing, Blowing Everything Up
The Predator alien is kind of a sore loser. If the chips are down, he’ll flip the fucking table over – actually, he’ll blow up the table.
Quick story: I actually once worked with a woman who laughed just like the Predator. A grating, loud laugh – always at the most inappropriate times – it drove me up the wall. Finally one day I hit her with a flying log and rest worked itself out.
4. Tony Montana – Refusing To Die (Pt 3)
Kids, remember: snorting cocaine gives you super powers. Had Tony been able to hold out just a little bit longer he would have successfully kept his empire, no doubt healing just like Wolverine. Don’t you want to be like Wolverine?
Jeez, I wonder what Wolverine would be like on cocaine. I bet he’d surprise us all and be less rage-fueled and more meticulous and obsessive. He’d take up wood carving or DIY flower arranging.
3. The Entire Plot Of Crank
You can’t not include an entire movie devoted to someone flipping Death the middle finger. Chev Chelios don’t stop for no poison – he don’t break, even when he is engulfed in flames in the second film. Death simply doesn’t interest him.
Chev is like the dog that eats three tubes of Icy Hot and a pack of cigarettes and doesn’t even get a stomach ache. Or, you know, I’ve heard.
2. The Black Knight in Monty Python & The Holy Grail – Refusing To Die (Pt 4)
This is how you win, folks. Instead of admitting bankruptcy in Monopoly, simply insist that you have more money. They can’t prove you don’t have money if you’re not using logic, right?
This is how the Black Knight triumphs, because even when completely dismembered – if he denies it, it’s still the other guy walking away in disgust. Victory!
1. Captain Rhodes in Day Of The Dead – “CHOKE ON ‘EM!”
I scream this every time I go to the Olive Garden.
This is by far the most dignified someone can act while being torn in half by a crowd of zombified individuals. It’s so dignified, in fact, that it’s positively awesome. If I had to choose between dying at age 90 in my bed surrounded by my family and friends and being torn in half this very second while screaming, “Choke on ‘em!” at the top of my lungs – I’d choose the latter any day of the week. This is exactly why I’m getting into voodoo.