10. First Blood


You know, this entire film could have been avoided if these guys just opened up a little more. “Hey guys, could you not shave me? I kind of had a bad experience in Nam.” Bam! Movie over.

Come to think of it, this is pretty much the issue with every action film. It’s just a bunch of dudes who are bad at expressing their emotions shooting at another bunch of dudes who are bad at expressing their emotions – or in the case of Predator it’s a camouflaged repressed hunter alien that probably is just trying to prove itself to its father or something. The point is, next time just talk it out.

9. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang


It’s hard to picture a world where Robert Downey Jr. isn’t charming, but it did exist. It was called In Dreams and no one watched it. Coincidence? Hardly. No, what would be the point of watching this guy not sarcasm the pants off of everything in the cloud of his cigarette smoke? That would be like watching Hulk Hogan read.

Fun fact: The director of this film, Shane Black, wrote all of the Lethal Weapons, as well as Last Action Hero, and my personal favorite – The Last Boy Scout. How’s that for epic? Oh, he also has only directed one other film, Iron Man 3. Fingers crossed for at least one shirtless electro-shock torture scene!

8. In Bruges


Lighting-wise, this movie is festive as shit. Seriously, it’s so warm and cozy, like a one hundred minute long tourism video for the city. If it weren’t for all the fuzzy gougers bucketing down on you and spraying up blood every which way it would be vacation Eden. Then again, what’s Christmas without blood and pain? It is, after all, celebrating a day of birth – and that stuff is disgusting.

Maybe I’m naïve, but Bruges is how I imagine every town in Belgium looks like. Cobblestones and big pointy churches, outdoor cafes and warm pubs… ridiculous amounts of cocaine. It’s a romantic whimsy, I know, but it keeps me warmhearted to dream.

7. Lethal Weapon


Celebrating the holidays in Los Angeles is like camping out in your backyard as a kid. It’s adorable to watch the effort but is stunted by artificiality. If you haven’t cried next to a sludge-buried car tire, then you aren’t doing the holidays right. End of discussion. Maybe this is why the cops are all gritty and suicidal over there, since they don’t have actual problems like goddamn invisible road ice they end up making up their own issues.

It’s just hard to feel bad for Mel Gibson as he cries himself to sleep half naked in a breezy beachside trailer when I’m sitting here trying to figure out if you can microwave dishtowels for warmth.

6. 12 Monkeys


As far as time travel holiday stories go, it’s pretty much just this and A Christmas Carol, right? Very different stories, however both benefit if you put Bruce Willis in them (hint hint, Hollywood). I like how it’s a good idea to send prisoners back in time. Next they should start using them as doctors.

You know that Terry Gilliam’s next film is coming up? It’s about a computer hacker played by Christoph Waltz who is trying to scientifically solve the meaning of humanity in a dystopian future world with robotic sex-workers and cyber-suits that allow for the virtual inward journey of the soul. So just your standard Hollywood film. No need to get excited or anything.

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