Who doesn’t love watching teenagers fight? These days it’s just nice to see them doing something that gets them outside and moving around – not to mention the wonders it does for team building skills and self esteem issues.
Compared to them sitting in a moist den somewhere playing Skyrim and housing six servings of Zesty Salsa Combos, youth violence isn’t the worst fate for our nation’s children.
Anyhoo – Here are some of the better films that celebrate the time-honored tradition of kids punching each other to pass the time.
14. The Goonies
A fitting start. This film actually contains very little actual harm to children, but rather a whole lot of near-harm. Had the children been slightly dumber or slower they would have been taken out in a heartbeat with all the booby traps and mobsters running around down there, not to mention the potential structural decay-related injuries or health problems caused by mold and bacteria. Really – they just got lucky.
It’s fun to imagine what the Goonies would be like grown up today. If they kept up their adventure lifestyle then most likely they are a pile of skeletons at the bottom of some ravine somewhere – buried by time until some other group of reckless children stumble upon their remains.
13. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Can you imagine being a teenager recruited by The Foot? It’s word of mouth so you probably show up there with a buddy and see all those awesome video games and that cigarette dealing guy and the skateboarding ramps and think that you’ve discovered the Great Valley for hooligans. It can’t get much better. But then you’re all are forced into this weird stadium to watch a dude dressed like a blender who tells you that he’s your father and you can’t help but to realize that you’ve most likely just joined a cult. Next thing you know he is talking about killing giant turtles and you are desperately searching for an exit – but still – free cigarettes and video games. Plus you get to dress up like a ninja and steal from people.
The final shock comes when you find out that these giant turtles actually do exist, unfortunately it’s when one of them freaking wails on you while skateboarding around a sewer. Compared to what’s out there though, it would still make a pretty decent summer job.
Every horror movie that involves teenagers getting dead could probably be on this list, but Scream seemed fitting because not only are the people getting stuck youngsters but the ones doing the sticking are as well. It’s a good teen-on-teen slasher with everything from mystery and masks to sex and booze. Not to mention that we get to watch Henry Winkler play a school principal and get stabbed, which has to be symbolic of something.
While this movie was probably one of the best satires of the slasher genre, it sure did spawn a whole shitty era of copycat films that completely missed the point. Hooks for hands and urban legend-themed killers and such, not to mention the sequels that became more and more self-aware and meta to the point that they completely forgot to be scary.
Matthew Vaughn is a weird guy. He opens his career with a British crime film that would rival Guy Ritchie’s work (if Vaughn had not actually produced Richie’s films) – then he moves on to a kid’s movie, followed by Kick-Ass. Now he’s doing the X-Men movies. It’s just weird.
The one consistent thing, however, is that everything he directs is really, really awesome – and when there is violence, it’s violent. He doesn’t mess around, which is why a movie about teenagers dressing up like superheroes and fighting gangsters is a perfect film for him. The result was spectacular fun. The show stealer of course was Hit-Girl’s total keenness to take a man’s life while verbally debasing him at the same time. Also – If we learned anything from The Wicker Man it’s that any movie where Nicolas Cage on fire is worth watching.
Don’t tease people. Seriously don’t. Best case scenario is that some day they will become your boss, worst case is this film. You know – legally Carrie didn’t do anything wrong; it was those damn rafters and electrical fire who really should be blamed. Carrie just stood there looking really, really pissed off – you can’t tie her to that.
What’s interesting about this film is that when you think about it, it’s pretty much what would have happened if the X-Men hadn’t picked up Jean Grey. Carrie is just an alternate reality Phoenix. Had she been born in a comic book universe she would be totally fine.
And of course they are remaking the film, this time with Hit-Girl in the title role. Why wouldn’t they be?
9. The Harry Potter Series
It started out so innocent with stinky-tasting jelly beans and jolly strangers taking kids away from their homes in the middle of the night and next thing you know dudes with mutated Satan-faces on the back of their heads are burning at the very touch of a child. It gets weird real fast, and then just keeps on going until children are being roasted alive and eaten by giant spiders.
The one sure thing we can all agree about the Harry Potter series is that it has single-handedly upgraded the nightmares of children worldwide. I can’t even imagine having to watch these films as a kid. They hit on all the soft spots of our psyche, very basic things like the three curses – possession, torture, and murder. Then on top of it all the base instinctual fears like spiders, snakes, Alan Rickman, and wolves. Not to mention the floating soul-sucking grim reapers. Jesus.
8. Children Of The Corn
The town of Gatlin is a lot like Neverland, only you just have to work at it a little more. Those first few weeks without adults must have been a pain, what with no one around to reach the top shelf or drive a car – but surely once they got a hang of things it was a regular club house, complete with a ‘no adults allowed’ policy painted on the front door. Adorable.
Here’s a fun fact about this movie – that little creepy preacher kid Isaac was played by John Franklin. Franklin is known for two other major roles – firstly as the voice of Walkabout Chucky in Child’s Play, and secondly as Cousin Itt in The Addams Family. Now he’s an English teacher. How awesome would it be to have Isaac, Chucky, and Cousin Itt as your English teacher?
Keep on readin’…