John McCain and Barack Obama

We dabble in politics when we absolutely need to here at FSR. It’s not a stated mission statement or anything, so we don’t waste your time going off on political diatribes (very often). FSR wants to appeal to all readers, and to quote Michael Jordan, “Republicans buy sneakers too.” So we know that the Election Night coverage can be a bit monotonous, but while you’re waiting for the results to trickle down, you might as well watch a couple movies. And since a list of movies may not appeal to red- and blue-blooded Americans, we’ve grouped them into specific categories:

Classics…

Democrats: Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

You true-blue Democrats can take refuge in the Stanley Kubrick’s 1964 Cold War send-up. The movie talks about nuclear war very cavalierly and shows an American president utilizing the horrible judgment of making a Nazi physicist his scientific advisor. The satire is among the funniest films ever made, voted in as the #3 Funniest film by the American Film Institute. George C. Scott’s Buck Turgidson is a shoot-first-ask-questions-later type of leader, and also includes the sardonic cowboy Slim Pickens as a man who mounts a nuclear weapon on its ride to the surface, hootin’ and hollerin’ along the way.

Republicans: Citizen Kane

The unofficial fictional biography of William Randolph Hearst is the topic of this classic referred to as one of the greatest films of all-time. Orson Welles directed, wrote, and star as Charles Foster Kane, a billionaire newspaper tycoon who uses his power to launch a failed attempt at the presidency, eventually alienates everyone who loves him, and ultimately dies alone. Republicans can revel in the irony of a billionaire running a failed campaign and remark at how it’s less like John McCain’s sketchy campaign, but more like John Kerry’s disastrous presidential run.

Modern Day Presidents…

Democrats: W.

Still in theaters, W. shows the story of George W. Bush’s rise from Texas oil-hand to Governor to President of the United States. More notably, through Josh Brolin’s fantastic performance, we see how Bush was manipulated and tricked into attacking Iraq because even he was lied to about the existence of WMDs. Brolin’s performance and Oliver Stone’s direction don’t necessarily make us feel bad for Bush or excuse his actions, but it does help us see him as a human being, a quality he lacks in his public-speaking skills. Democrats who want change in this country can watch W. because it’s a fine film, and also to see re-creations of some ridiculous moments in Bush’s presidency, such as the time he choked on a pretzel while watching a UT game.

Republicans: Primary Colors

A movie loosely based on the 1992 Presidential Primaries shows John Travolta and Emma Thompson as faux Bill and Hillary Clinton. It shows that even though a man’s heart can be in the right place, his weiner might be in the hands of a woman that’s not his wife. The movie, told through the narration of campaign manager Henry Burton (Adrian Lester), talks about Governor Jack Stanton’s race for the white house and all the lives he interrupts on the way. The film was largely forgotten about because it was released at the height of the Monica Lewinsky scandal, but it sports a killer performance from Kathy Bates. Primary Colors is a movie that would appeal to those people that thought getting a Blow-J in the White-H was worse than sending soldiers into an ill-conceived war.

Conspiracy Theories…

Democrats: All the President’s Men

Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman take down Richard Nixon and reveal the Watergate scandal in this classic. Democrats, who have a knack for adding “gate” to the end of words to make them controversies should rally around the story of two hard-working Washington Post journalists, Bob Woodward (Redford) and Carl Bernstein, who put together the puzzle that is Watergate piece-by-138-minute-run-time-piece.

Republicans: JFK

Although the protagonist (Kevin Costner) is a Democrat, and many Republicans are looked at as malicious and conspirators in John F. Kennedy’s death. We also learn that it may have been a ploy, played out by Kennedy’s V.P. Lyndon B. Johnson, to get the U.S. to agree to war in Vietnam, a position that Kennedy fervently disagreed with. Basically Costner comes to believe that JFK’s assassination was an effective coup de gras. I think Republicans can watch this and gain satisfaction that the Democrats, the FBI, the CIA, the mafia, Cuba under Castro-rule, the Masonic order, and the Soviets are all more sinister than they are.

Black Presidents…

Democrats: Morgan Freeman in Deep Impact

Freeman starred in Mimi Leder’s 1998 disaster film as President Tom Beck. If you want to see how a black president can handle a disaster, Deep Impact is a solid barometer for that. After the comets devastate New York, President Beck calmly tells the American people “Cities fall but they are rebuilt. Heroes die but they are remembered.” He also gets to utter the film’s tagline, “Life will go on, we will prevail.” Democrats can see this Morgan Freeman potential in Barack Obama, a man who is pretty cool and calm whatever the situation. His steady hand and consistency has won over many Americans…Freeman, that is. Though, I have to say that if this were the race for “President of the Eclectic Voice-Over Committee,” Freeman gets my vote.

Republicans: Tommy “Tiny” Lister in The Fifth Element

Lister, who famously portrayed Deebo in Friday, was the President in Luc Besson’s 1997 Bruce Willis actioner The Fifth Element. Lister’s President Lindberg is a cross-eyed dude who looks to others to solve the country’s problems. But even if the character is not the best president, we still have to appreciate that Lister is a giant, no-nonsense man. He was also known as “The Human Wrecking Machine” when he hit the WWF circuit as Zeus. If you remember, he took Hulk Hogan to the limit in the film No Holds Barred. So even though I wouldn’t want Lindberg as President, I wouldn’t want to face Lister in a cage-match.

Kick-Ass Presidents…

Democrats: Bill Pullman in Independence Day

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: “We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive!” Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

President Whitmore gives me shivers.

Republicans: Harrison Ford in Air Force One

Ford plays President James Marshall in this 1997 action flick that had him proclaiming “Get off my plane” at the end of the film. If only we had a president that was as badass as Ford. Republicans would like this because Ford’s president is a fighter and won’t back down no matter how insurmountable the competition. Also, he has a female Vice President who is belittled by his cabinet (“rogue,” “diva,”–ring a bell?) played by Glenn Close. Now that I think of it, Gary Oldman is in over half of the films I’m recommending to Republicans. You Republicans would also like Oldman in Sid and Nancy, the Harry Potter series (excluding you Christian conservatives), and The Dark Knight (because everyone likes The Dark Knight).

For the Bi-Partisan Crowd…

Predator

Forget all the TV attack ads. The liberal media and Fox News mean dick. There’s only one movie that truly shows a “United” States of America: Predator. The film features the current Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the former Governor of Minnesota, Jesse “The Body” Ventura (who’s now an Independent). Even though Ventura was technically elected as part of the “Reform” Party, I still consider him a Democrat since CNN brought him on their post-RNC coverage when they refuted the convention (to which Ventura replied, I shit you not, that he hadn’t watched the convention–way to go CNN). Anyway, this may sway a little right since Schwarzenegger is the lone soldier who makes it through this mess and single-handedly kills the Predator. But since there were subsequent Predator sequels and a crossover with the Aliens franchise, we can consider Arnold’s proverbial “Mission Accomplished” banner as flying a bit too soon.


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