5. Kal-El aka Superman – Newspaper Reporter
Kal-El comes from a long line of badass uh.. Els. Is that Spanish? According to Google Translate, Kal El means ‘compared to’ in Hungarian – so I dunno. Anyway, Kal and papa Jor are both men who could kick you into space while holding down ridiculously boring jobs.
Kal, or Clark, or Superman, is at least a reporter. That’s interesting if you’re reporting in a big city where you are also the superhuman flying Jesus, but had he stayed back in Smallville that would have been a real bitch. He’d probably walk around punching livestock half at night just to have something to write about during the day. His father’s job was a little better; he was a space scientist of sorts – what sorts that is, the movie doesn’t seem to say. He also helps jail people in little cubes or something – so he’s like a police scientist or lawyer. Whatever it was, it didn’t save his stupid planet from exploding like a piñata.
4. Indiana Jones – Professor
He also temps as a statutory rapist. Sorry, I shouldn’t joke about that, but we all know that Indy only seeks treasure to keep away from the hoards of underage that haunt his classroom. Did you not see what happened with him and Marion? She was his friend’s daughter – and when he meets back up with her she’s well crossed the border of alcoholism in a Nepalese bar still sore from the psychological wounds of being emotionally wrecked by an old man who clearly should have known better. Still – the hat’s pretty cool.
Anyway, sorry. He’s a teacher is the point of all this. A bad teacher at that. Let’s be honest here – he’s clearly murdered more people than he’s taught. His teach-to-kill ratio is not one you’d expect from someone with a ‘Dr.’ before his name.
3. Sarah Connor in Terminator – Waitress
It would have been awesome to see if Sarah, during her time on the run before she got committed in the second film, took up another waitress gig to make a few extra bucks. Besides shooting, it’s really her only other skill – right?
“Excuse me, miss? I was just wondering when you’d get around to that Diet Coke?”
“YOU’RE ALREADY DEAD! EVERYBODY DIES! YOU KNOW I BELIEVE IT SO DON’T FUCK WITH ME!”
Actually – that response would pretty much work for any job where you work with the general public. Also it’s technically true in a way.
2. Ash in The Evil Dead – Department Store Clerk
Specifically speaking, he works in housewares. But enough bullshit – who saw the new one? Coming from someone with four copies of the original film, two signed action figures, and one book signed personally to David “Papa Smurf” Bell by Campbell, I have to throw in my deepest feelings of satisfaction for the remake. No – it’s not anything close to the original, but it also didn’t try to be – so because of that I have to say that it was as good as an Evil Dead remake could possibly hope to be.
“We were not seriously talking about another Army of Darkness until about six months ago,” Campbell said. “Now we’re actually talking about it and Sam is going to have a whack at it with his brother (Ted Raimi) this summer. That’s what he’s threatening to do. But this has been threatened before.”
So look, maybe it will happen and maybe it wont. Personally I’d love to see a new one, but if it’s not meant to be then it’s just not meant to be. The last thing we want is for Ash to show back up in 20 years, his hand now replaced with a cane.
1. Ripley in Aliens – Consultant
Right? Technically, her last job before everything that happens in the last three freaking films is as a consultant to the Weyland Yutani Company. As we all know, being a consultant is by far the dullest possible job title you could ever have. All you do is like, consult people about stuff, which is just lame. Imagine if she went down there and everyone was dead and there were no more aliens left and they never found aliens ever again. She’s just be down there pointing at shit going, “Yep, this is what it was like last time for sure.”
Then they’d fly back up and unload everything and everyone would just like, go in those tanks and go to Earth or something. She’d probably make friends with Burke and they’d start a youth gardening center or an online homemade notebook store or something – talking about that time she consulted about those aliens they never found. Then she’d die 50 years later. When you think about it, seeing chests explode was pretty much the best thing to ever happen to Ripley.