5. Easter Island – Alien Moai Bowling in Mars Attacks

MarsAttacksBowling

Very rarely do we get to see aliens bowl in films – it’s pretty much just this film and… actually I think it’s just this film. Never before have I seen characters have more fun destroying all humans than the little Martians in this. They even pull a Zod and retool Mt. Rushmore as well.

I think it’s safe to say that Mars Attacks is and will be the most successful movie ever based on trading cards, right? I haven’t heard about a “Dinosaurs Attack!” film in the works or anything like that. That would be boss though, can you imagine that? Jurassic Park, but off the leash! No scientific accuracy or PG-13 rating! Just dinos ripping dudes to- THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE! Hot damn I forgot about that one!

4. Various Structures – Merged Into An Alternate Realm in Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

MortalKombatEiffel

I’m gonna go ahead and confirm that no, if you saw this movie as a kid it is not – I repeat, NOT – as good as what you remember. It’s a lot like the Mario Brothers film in that visually there was a lot of amazing effort put into it (albeit a bit overambitious in terms of CG), however nothing put toward dialogue or story.

Also like Super Mario Brothers, it has a moment where our dimension begins to merge with a creepy underworld dimension. The effect in both films is shown with landmarks being merged. I would have included Mario Brothers as well, but I figured it would be best to leave that one be.

When the alien bounty hunter from The X-Files begins to turn the tide in his favor, we are treated to New York, The Eiffel Tower, as well as Liu Kang’s home temple being dragged into the bad guy’s realm. It makes you wonder what the hell happened to all the people in the buildings, however the movie goes ahead and hand waves that thought at the end when everything is miraculously restored by elemental gods as if a big “undo” button was pushed.

Writing!

3. Golden Gate Bridge – Relocated By A Genetically Mutated Old Man in X-Men: The Last Stand

XMenBridge

Technically speaking, it was relocated by a genetically mutated 70 year old Holocaust survivor with the ability to generate and control magnetic fields… because why not?

There are so many questions here. Why not just dump the Golden Gate Bridge right onto Alcatraz and kill the kid that way? If you can lift a bridge then how about just lifting that whole building up during that big standoff? Capes? Really? But it’s all for the sake of cool I guess – for Magneto is, above all else, cool. Did you not see that swank Mercedes he and Xavier rode in the opening scene? Don’t even get me started on the suit he was wearing.

It only makes sense that such a man of style would make an entrance such as the one in this film. The best part about it is that all the children on the bridge who didn’t know what was going on probably thought that it was some kind of a magic ride – because kids are stupid.

2. All The Famous Landmarks – Hit By Giant Food In Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs

CloudyEiffel

It’s kind of impressive how closely this movie was able to adapt from a thirty-page children’s book, but almost everything memorable is in there, down to the bread boats and macaroni head. Of course, they had to stick science in it for some reason – like the opposite of when they made Spider-Man’s web slinging organic and everyone got upset. Still it all worked out pretty well, despite being one of the most disgusting concepts to think about.

How long would it take for all the dehydration issues to kick in? What with all the juice and soda raining down on them there would be no pure water. Crops would be lost, not to mention a severe rodent infestation. I don’t care how many of those sanitation machines you got; everything would be sticky. Rain wouldn’t wash away waste but instead create more of it. Just think of the smell!

And now it’s all over the place by the end of the film, making you wonder just what kind of lawsuit our hero is going to find himself buried under like a delicious maple-soaked pancake.

I’m hungry…

1. The Manhattan Museum Of Art – Smashed By Another Famous Structure in Ghostbusters II

So far we’ve explored many creative ways to take out famous buildings, but none of it compares to actually using a national monument as the force of destruction.

While some (like Bill Murray) say that this film is a commercial waste of time, I’m going to politely disagree. It’s not as good as the first, but once you have the Statue Of Liberty walking around and stepping on cars you can’t really deny gold. Also – what better song to represent love and hope than Jackie Wilson’s “Higher And Higher”? If there were any song to get that copper queen off her stoic pose it would be that. Freaking mopey looking statue – why were you used as our greeter?

I’m glad we landed on this as the number one, because I have a fun fact about this statue that I think is relevant to it’s regularity in the disaster film genre: the copper skin of the Statue Of Liberty is only 3/32 of an inch thick. That’s two pennies’ width.

And yet who do we always see still standing after the big tidal wave or alien attack? Lady Liberty, that’s who. She got up and walked around in this film! Hell – she lasted eons at the end of Planet Of The Apes! Chick’s resilient.


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