IntroStructures

Let’s face facts – explosions are great. No one is denying that in the least, but sometimes they just get a little… mundane. Really once you’ve seen the White House explode under an alien disaster beam or get rammed by a giant tidal wave, you don’t really need to see that again. It’s been covered.

So let’s take alien beams and tidal waves right off the table and start thinking about some of the more ingenious ways Hollywood has wrecked the place.

10. The Colosseum – Destroyed By Ridiculous Lightning in The Core

TheCoreLightning

Lightning is a hell of a thing, sure, and while I’m no meteorologist or anything, I’m fairly sure it can’t make concrete explode like a popping balloon. But then again, it was in The Core so it has to be scientifically accurate right? Right.

As aforementioned, explosions aren’t really the type of thing you’re going to be reading about from here on – however I felt this one warranted some recognition considering just how outlandish the inciting spark was. In fact, can we start making this a thing now, movie writers? Let’s just go ahead and make “electricity + rocks = explosion” a rule from here on out. Let’s start sticking that into film after film until the trope is set in stone.

At least until that stone is blown up by lightning.

9. Eiffel Tower – Eaten By Nanomites in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

GIJoeEiffel

Nanorobotics is like the liquid state of deus ex machina in the movie world. It can do anything and stop whenever the writers need it to – it’s like time travel, so undefined that you can make the rules up as you go along. Hell – that big nanomachined face in The Matrix Revolutions was even called “Deus Ex Machina.”

In G.I. Joe they at least went through the trouble of making it all green and shit. Like a bunch of tiny little hungry leprechauns, those nanos chomp through the Eiffel Tower like it was made of delicious butter. Unfortunately all green things must come to an end when Magic Mike goes and hits the kill switch, ruining the carnage. This, plus the weird robot outfits right before it, is almost worth watching this film for. Almost.

8. Great Pyramid Of Giza – Torn Apart By Giant Construction Robot in Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen

TransformersPyramid

I swear to you that there are good movies on this list, but when you’re talking building destruction there’s no denying that it’s almost exclusively the business of bad films. At least in the popular sense of the word – after all this series has John Turturro, Jon Voight, and John Malkovich in it. That’s three good Johns right there, plus one Frances McDormand to top it off. Of course – the movie also has cars that turn into giant robot men so yeah… Anyway the point is that we see the Great Pyramid Of Giza being unwrapped like a birthday present in the second film. It’s pretty neat, guys.

Fun fact: during the shooting of this scene, John Turturro became visibly moved by being allowed on such an epic structure as the Pyramid of Giza, later tearing up at the very thought of it. I wonder if that was before or after they made him say, “I am directly below enemy scrotum.”

7. Millennium Bridge – Death By Magic in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Considering how little knowledge regular folk seem to have about the world of wizards and dragons and dark magic in this film, you just have to wonder how the media covered this event. Sentient tornadoes? Ghost attack? There’s really no wrong explanation here, but my point is that there had to be one. It’s not like a couple people seeing some car fly – this is going to be an international story.

Anyway “muggles are dumb” or whatever. You know I’m getting a little sick of how they regard us – even the ones that “defend” us. Hermione just ups and erases her parents’ memory in the last one as if they were an iPhone app she didn’t need anymore… just “alakazawhatever” and poof, human rights cast aside like it ain’t no thang. Screw these stick-waving owl stands, we got bombs and Google maps and you bet your magic ass it can find Diagon Alley.

6. Mt. Rushmore – Re-Carved By Alien Super-People in Superman II

Superman2MtRushmore

Everything that’s going on in the Superman universe is ridiculous. Dude’s an indestructible alien that for some reason still has trouble reining in this one rich guy over and over again. Not to mention that no one asked him to fly around and play god with our lives, inflicting his own personal morals upon us while he still abandons us for large spans of time out of selfishness.

Which is it, Superman? Are you going to be our unstoppable Batman hero or bitch about how we always need you? You can’t do both! Who are you to judge in the first place? You’re the worst reporter ever and an even worse deadbeat father! You planetary waif!

Sorry sorry sorry. I got really carried away on that last part. I just really liked Mt. Rushmore the way it was before Superman’s buddies showed up and started messing with it. But hey – that’s what happens when we harbor a super alien and let him dictate our lives instead of casting him out like the societal pariah that he should be.

Read on!


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