5. Riddle Terrorism in Die Hard With A Vengeance
Riddle terrorism is one of the rarest forms of terrorism out there – it’s pretty much John McClane and Batman who have to deal with it. This film could easily top a list of worst movie hangovers, because while loud explosions and running suck when you’re freshly unsloshed, solving math problems is worse than death.
My question is, did the bad guy have to convince all his henchmen that an obstacle course of riddles was the way to go or is this just something he does all the time? Like… do you think he punishes insubordination by making them move around toothpicks to form shapes under penalty of death if it takes more than three moves?
4. Dream Resurrection in A Nightmare On Elm St.
When you burn a man alive, really the last thing you expect is for that man to come back and murder your children in their dreams. Jail, maybe – but dream resurrection and murder? That’s like, at the bottom of the list of things that happen when you burn a man alive.
Also, why does Freddy get this power anyway? Who gave him it? A genie? Why can’t other people just show up in dreams, too? Honestly, every movie about resurrection makes me wonder about this. The Potters can show up to give Harry advice but that two-faced professor at the beginning can’t also heckle him? Who is giving out the resurrection cards?
3. Extraordinary Rampage in Crank
Chev Chelios knows the first rule of the rampage: touch as many lives as you can. No, I’m not saying you should go kill everyone you see – that would be crazy – but you should find a way to mentally change every single person who witnesses the crazy that is your justice. Sex in public, hostage situations, visible erections – these are all things that work toward the greater masterpiece that is your satisfaction upon your inflictors.
And in the end, if you have to break a neck and fall out of a helicopter, don’t worry; they make robot hearts for that.
2. Shark Jousting in Jaws The Revenge
Of this list, Ellen Brody is without a doubt the single most badass individual. Why? Because she’s the only person listed who raged bloody revenge against a giant roaring shark… and won. She stabbed a shark with a boat – that’s a thing her character does. And yes, I realize what movie we’re talking about here – and yes, in the non-original cut (be sure to watch the video above!) the shark explodes. And you know what? That’s even better. Ellen Brody exploded a shark with a boat joust.
The sequels get so much shit, but if you frame the series as one family’s ongoing battle with Poseidon then it totally makes sense. Perhaps Brody broke the law of the ocean by defying the water god’s plan and he took that as an insult and has been firing monster sharks at them ever since.
1. Everything That Happens in The Teenager Mutant Ninja Turtles Movies
It’s easy to forget that pretty much everyone is trying to get revenge on everyone else in the first two films. Shredder, of course, seeks revenge after being garbage dumped in the first film – but one could argue that Splinter is also housing a pretty large chip on his shoulder as he raises a group of children exclusively to murder with ninja weapons after his master is killed by a ninja.
And so everyone’s out for each other, only they’re also giant bipedal talking versions of small pets. And when Shredder is determined to get even, sure enough he creates even more giant bipedal talking versions of small pets to combat his foes. You really have to wonder what kind of world generates that many people willing to fight mutants in black ninja outfits for a guy dressed like a Mortal Kombat character.