Humor

Frances Ha - Greta Gerwig

The entire planet was palled by a cratering sadness late last night when it was announced by Variety that Greta Gerwig, Queen of Indie Darlings, had signed on to produce, write and star in CBS’s spin-off sitcom How I Met Your Dad. Her most ardent fans are furious that they’ll be able to see an actress they love on a weekly basis. Of course, per Arbitrary Cultural Rule #293, it also means that her nuanced indie filmmaking career is over. As we all know, once you’ve chosen artless sell-out fare that will provide a higher profile that empowers you to make more personal films, you can never make a personal film again. To make matters worse, Gerwig’s show will shoot in New York City where independent films are rarely, if ever, made.

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Ant-Man

Well, that was fast. Overnight, news broke that Paul Rudd was in negotiations to star as Ant-Man for Edgar Wright’s Marvel movie. Now we’ve got some footage of the actor testing out the suit from an inside source. It’s obviously not theater quality, but it’s a clear look at the design for the character, and the action is far more intense then you’d expect from a typical screen test. It starts deep in a forest where the hero is fighting (rather futilely) against a diabolical, technologically advanced piece of weaponry — and it’s all downhill from there. For those doubting Rudd can handle the badass nature of a superhero, prepare to be sold:

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Cinephilistine Theaters

There’s been just a super fun debate brewing over the last few days about what movie theaters of the future will have to do to accommodate discerning patrons who want an experience not focused on the movie. Unfortunately all the rational voices — mostly this courageous man —  have been shouted down by fascists who refuse to conform to a new generation’s groupthink. The funniest part is that all of these people claim to be open-minded, but as soon as you suggest an alternative mode of social interaction — especially one spurred on by second-screen culture and its freedoms — they pucker up tight and let fly with idiotic notions that are not only wrong-headed about how movies should correctly be enjoyed by everyone, but also about how the very world itself operates. For whatever reason, they don’t seem to grasp that cell phones, Twitter, Facebook, Readability, Blu-ray, Obama, Smart TVs, Foursquare, Honey Boo Boo, Pinterest, Regretsy, 2013,  Kim Kardashian, and Twitter again have changed the way we expect to be entertained by background noise. I think we all know and relate to what I’m talking about. I should be able to pee in my seat while watching a movie.

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Khan - Star Trek

Author’s Note: While on a survey mission, Al Gore is sucked into a giant hole in the ozone that deposits him in the past. Stranded, he uses his knowledge of the future to invent the internet decades sooner than he did in his original timeline. By the 1980s, the internet has evolved to what it became by the early 21st century, dragging fan culture with it. This is one such review that I obtained from our alternate past.

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When will criminals learn to leave Liam Neeson alone? As Taken 2 illustrated, the lesson illustrated in Taken was well illustrated: human traffickers are no match for Neeson’s temper. If these fools insist on trifling with this (particularly) surly Irishman, they will only end up with a screwdriver in the skull to go with the vengeance in their hearts. I mean screwdriver in the figurative sense of course, because it’ll actually be a hammer. Now there’s talk of a Taken 3, which took everyone outside the accounting department by surprise. Still, we wondered what was possibly left for these covetous rapscallions to take that would send Neeson over the edge. So we came up with a few options.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger Commando

If you’re a real action movie fan, you know the biggest super group team-up movie of the summer isn’t The Avengers, but The Expendables 2. Because who wants to see a bunch of heroes come together to wear tights, yellow armor, or purple pants, when they can see the mass team-up of 80s and 90s beefcake action heroes whose combined machismo could instantly mature a twelve-year-old boy into a beer-drinking, cigar-smoking, bicep-bulging, five-o-clock-shadowed manly thirty-something? If the question is “Are we not men?” then the combined manliness of The Expendables 2 cast reminds us that the answer is “Yes, but obviously only because action stars taught us to be.” Each of these men (well, okay, 25% of them) and their action movies could teach a master class on being the epitome of man, but amongst them there is only one Albert Einstein of Macho, one Dalai Lama of Masculinity, one Aristotle of Testosterone: Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Since he appeared in Conan the Barbarian in 1982, Ahnuld’s action films over the decades have woven together the definitive guide to being a Y-chromosome carrier. So, if you happen to need a refresher, or are new to this whole “being a manly dude” thing, here are 10 essential rules on how to be a real man – according to Arnold Schwarzenegger action movies.

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Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 Jacob and Renesmee

I’ve made no secret of my slight distaste for the Twilight franchise. In fact I’m pretty sure some of my previous maligning comments will come in handy should you ever need to eat through the various hulls of The Nostromo. However, it’s fair to say these movies make a decent amount of money. It probably has something to do with, um, well, wow, look at all that money it makes! As we approach the release of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2, because a story that epic is demanding of two movies which together comprise one giant disaster, whispers are already being shouted that the studio is planning to reboot the series once it takes it final, excruciatingly slow, bow. If you ask me, and we know you didn’t, Summit’s pathetic ploy to hold onto this cash cow long after it’s fully milked plan will require of a vastly different approach to “filmmaking” than the one to which we’ve heretofore been subjected. If I had to come up with five ideas for the Twilight franchise reVAMP, I’d write this piece I was assigned and categorize them thusly…

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Every Girl’s Guide to The Avengers By Internet Princess Quartney Vagington Hey, gurrrrls! It’s your BFF Quartney Vagington! I’m gonna save your cute butts again, so get ready to thank me. Your boyfriend has probably looked up from his Xbox a couple times in the last week to say, “Dude, we gotta see The Avengers on Friday! It looks totally sick!” I know Trevor has! I just rolled my eyes and was like, “LOL, whatever you want, honey-bun,” and then I went back to texting. But guess what, bitches? He’s totes serious about it! Your boyfriend is too, unless he’s like a dork or whatever, in which case, ew, why are you dating a dork? Anyways, me and Trevor are gonna see The Avengers on Friday cuz it’s his turn to choose the movie, cuz he let me choose which Olive Garden we went to last week (the nice one, or the one close to Pinkberry), and so I was like, “Aah! I don’t know what these dumb comic book movies are about!” So then I was like, “Help me, Facebook, LOL!” And so then Facebook was like, “Here are some Tumblrs and Wikis about it!” So you guys, I totally did some research to help you know what the eff is going on when you see “The Avengers” with your boyfriend! You can thank me later, I accept Hot Topic gift cards, LOL. (P.S. if you do not have a boyfriend then I don’t know what to tell you […]

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Earlier this week, Deadline Wherever reported that during a panel at CinemaCon, exhibitors discussed the option of allowing patrons to text during films. It was pitched as an attempt to attract younger audiences to the theaters, even though it doesn’t actually address the reason (price of films, quality of the home video experience and rampant online piracy) why teens and college students don’t go to the movies as much as they did in the 70s and 80s. At Film School Rejects, we support a staunch no-texting policy (and no tweeting, Facebooking, web surfing, Wikipediaing, playing of Angry Birds or Fruit Ninja) at all theaters. However, instead of pointing out the fallacies of this idiotic suggestion, we’re taking a look into the future. Here is a possible timeline of what might happen were texting allowed in movie theaters. Gird your loins and enjoy this cautionary tale from Cole Abaius and Kevin Carr.

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If you asked around “What 1980s action star deserves a comprehensive guide to his films?” you’d probably hear Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme, Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and possibly even Dolph Lundgren before someone got around to Steven Seagal. We’ll ignore the smart ass who said Michael Dudikoff too. The world, being as unpredictable as it is, had a different view of things and blessed (cursed?) one writer with an unnatural fascination of Steven Seagal. That man is Vern and his study of the ass-kicking films of Steven Seagal, “Seagalogy” has been updated, expanded, and is now fit for your consumption. In addition to telling you about this book, I’m also going to use it to help break down the career path of Steven Seagal in just twelve short films.

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Editor’s Note: This editorial contains spoilers for Source Code, so if you haven’t seen it 1) you should and 2) you probably won’t get the jokes either. It comes from guest writer James Kopecky who has thought far too much about what happened at the end of Duncan Jones’s latest. When I see a movie, I take it as a two-hour-long glimpse into a reality that has a rich history, as well as an ongoing, unwritten future. After the credits roll, I assume that the characters and the story keep moving, most likely in the direction they were headed when the picture ended. So when I saw Source Code, I thought about what happened to the characters after screen faded to black. This turned out to be problematic for me, because the ending of Source Code raised a slew of questions, some more perplexing than others.

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If you’re like me, you want your visual comedy to make fun of everybody. A shotgun blast that sprays all involved in a certain undertaking with at least a few pellets that will sting later. From the filmmakers, to the films, to the audience, to Criterion itself (and its high falutin’ collection), that’s exactly what this new Tumblr blog Fake Criterions achieves. Plus, the photoshop ain’t half bad. The art is pitch-perfect in showcasing the Criterion cover design style. Plus, there are some great cinematic gems here that seem to have been overlooked by Criterion. When will we finally see Ernest Goes to Jail get the deluxe disc treatment it deserves? When, Criterion, when? Check out some of our favorite fake Criterion DVD covers:

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With a dominant weekend opening knocking girly films all over the place with its testosterone fueled hyper-aggression, there are about 35 million reasons why The Expendables will get a sequel. Stallone is already said to be plotting out the story and, if rumor is to be believed, has talked to more than one actor about joining the team on their next adventure. While we trust Sly (with everything but CGI) to cast a fantastic team, once our peanut brains get rolling we can’t stop. Personally I’ve been thinking non-stop about who I’d like to see join the team – or fight against them – in the next installment. Enough bull, let’s talk team! The current poster for the team included nine action stars, at least one of whom probably isn’t returning. So we figured that means we have to come up with at least 10 new members, and possibly a villain. Because we’re ridiculous.

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The day is finally upon us! After our nearly-week-long countdown, the ability to purchase Mystery Team has been bestowed upon all living beings.

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Our good friend Kent Nichols, one of the fine gentlemen responsible for the phenomenon known as Ask a Ninja, is a decision maker. He makes decisions all of the time. And this week, he decided that the world needed to revisit the world of The Blind Side, just in time for next year’s Oscar season to start heating up.

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Film fans, please take a moment from your usual routine of not watching sports — and more importantly, complaining about those of us who do — to watch the following video. SlateV (via our friend Katey Rich at Cinema Blend) has created this little video showing us what the Superbowl might be like if it were made by auteurs.

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Seeing as it is a slow news day, I thought I would share something cool. A good friend of mine sent me a link to the chronicling of the zombie apocalypse. Don’t think that’s true? You’d be wrong.

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After appearing in a breakout role in one of the breakout movies of the year, Nick Saban (who starred as LSU coach Nick Saban in The Blind Side) has taken his hobby as a sometimes football coach to the next level.

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Everyone else’s Best of the Decade List is trash. Inside, feast your eyes on the most definitive list of the damned decade.

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bay-victoriassecret

In Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Michael Bay brought in a brand new kind of Transformers — a humanoid hottie played by Isabel Lucas. For his next trick, he’ll bring us Decepticon versions of Victoria’s Secret models…

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published: 12.23.2014
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published: 12.22.2014
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published: 12.19.2014
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