Boiling Point: Adios Mother Fu–Oh Hey There

Boiling PointThis weekend I got my Action Team fix on by watching The Expendables, The Losers, and The A-Team. Yeah, it was a good weekend. With the latter film, I opted for the Extended Cut – usually these things are unrated, as there really isn’t a reason to resubmit the film for ratings approval for DVD. Sure enough, The A-Team case has “UNRATED” printed very clearly across it.

Surely this must mean that there will be bodies hitting the floor! Blood! Bad words! Everything that was missing in the theater from a supposed group of badass mercenaries. So I start watching. Pretty soon, within the first 15 minutes of the film, there is the F-Bomb. Three times.

Sort of.

The first time the f-word was mentioned (oh, by f-word I mean FUCK) it was actually part of the soundtrack. And it skipped. So of course I thought that the disc skipped. Why would the word fuck be taken out of a song on the soundtrack on the unrated disc? I rewound the movie. Played it back. Same thing. Interesting.

Go forward. Alpha. Mike. Foxtrot. Face is talking tough. AMF. Think about it. Adios Mother FuCAR EXPLOSION. Oh I get it. See the “fucker” was covered up by a car smashing through a fence. That’s fine. I guess. Just a few minutes later, Hannibal decides to play with the line. Adios Mother FuHELICOPTER EXPLOSION. GOD DAMN IT WHAT THE FUCK?

That’s the same useless joke twice. I mean, come on. This is the unrated DVD/Blu-ray combo. They’ve already had to re-edit the film. Put in new audio. Changed scenes. Added scenes. Why not remove the little bit of audio scrubbing that blocks out the bad words?

This film doesn’t need cursing. PG-13 movies can work and work just fine. But don’t cheat the language. It’s stupid. It’s annoying. If you do it once, in a movie like The Mummy, that can be funny. If you do it in a bad ass action movie, it’s kind of silly. If you do it twice, it’s fucking stupid.

Perhaps the worst offender was Live Free or Die Hard. The rated version. That movie is almost defined by the signature line of our hero: Yippie Ki Yay, Motherfucker. John McClane has a dirty poo-poo mouth in the other three films. Then all of a sudden there are well timed gunshots and lots of loud noises cleaning his language up. That’s annoying. And stupid. Either the cursing is necessary (like in a Die Hard movie) or it’s not (like in The A-Team). Don’t blur the lines. Just make your movie for your rating. We’re not children, we know what you’re doing.

Live Free or Die Hard is actually a good example of how to do it right – Unrated style. The movie was at least 60% better when viewed unrated with most of the cursing restored. McClane curses. That’s what he does. It’s an essential part of hsi character. The unrated cut returned that to him and made the movie better.

So seriously, Hollywood, get your ever fucking shit together. We’re all big boys when it comes to the unrated editions. It’s being sold in stores no problem. There is no outcry. There is no reason to be PG-13 anymore. So if you want to curse, fucking curse. Don’t half-ass this bullshit with loud noises and misdirection. Because every time I hear a curse not so cleverly covered up, I go past my boiling poEXPLOSION.

Robert Fure is many things: horror expert, ruggedly handsome man of the world, witty prose composer, and writer of his own biography page. Beneath the bravado is a scared little boy, ready to grow into an awesome man and make lies about a scared little boy inside of him. Wait a minute...

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